That Manchester “stag” (yeesh) night timetable in full.

Caveat: all times are, inevitably, somewhat approximate. Although the Best Fun is Organised Fun, one must allow a certain spontaneity to seep through. Or so I’m told.

18:30 – 19:15: Socio Rehab, Edge Street, in the Northern Quarter. (Map)

Apparently, this is quite difficult to find – but it’s opposite the Market restaurant, and there’s a small sign next to the door. Swishy cocktails in a relatively smart but unpretentious environment will be the order of the day. It’s all downhill from here, then…

19:15 – 20:30: Moon, 20 Tariff Street, at the back of Jackson’s Warehouse. (Map)

Again, this is a bit tricky to find – but I’m sure we’ll all cope. This is where we’ll be eating – and here’s a sample menu.

20:30 – 21:50: Crown & Anchor, 41 Hilton Street. (Map)

A traditional, conversation-friendly pub which doesn’t get too crowded. If we’re not here, then it’s because we’ve got ourselves nice and comfortable in Moon. You know, collective inertia and all that.

22:00 – 00:00: The shrill, noisy, nipple-to-nipple bars of Manchester’s bustling Canal Street. Frankly, we could be in any of them. I’m reserving this section of the evening for Devil-May-Care Spontaneity. It’s a risk, but it’s a risk that I’m prepared to take. Just this once. For a maximum of two hours.

00:00 – ??:??: Essential, on the corner of Minshull Street and Bloom Street.

Don’t even THINK of whipping that camera-phone out. And if I end up plastered all over the “Gallery” section of their website, there will be TROUBLE, do you hear?

Once again, for ease of identification, I can exclusively reveal the details of my outfit for the night, as purchased in London’s bustling Canary Wharf just a couple of hours ago. In a radical break with tradition, I have plumped for:

1. A short-sleeved check shirt (from Ted Baker). Dishcloth-hued red-on-white, in a sort of windowpane check. It’s really quite loud. (Well, the red will match the L-plates.)

2. Pre-faded blue jeans (from Gant). Lowish-slung without being embarrassingly age-inappropriate, i.e. they still sit quite well on my arse, and you can’t see my pants.

My partners-in-crime for the night will be Alan, Chig and JP. Special guests should include ClareElisabeth, Stuart… and who knows who else? Once again, all are welcome.

Ooh, I’m that excited. Last weekend of freedom! Hahahahaha!

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