In lieu of the annual “Troubled Diva has been going for x years today” post (four years yesterday, as it happens), I thought I’d commemorate the happy occasion by, um, shamelessly ripping off another idea from someone’s else’s blog.
This time, I’m going to revive the much missed “Post Of The Month” feature, which used to run on Uborka (now sadly in stasis). Except that, in what may prove to be an act of reckless over-optimism, I’m going to re-title it Post Of The Week.
Here’s how it’s going to work.
1. If you come across a great post which you’d like to big up to the Troubled Diva massive, then please supply details in the comments box below. The deadline for submission will be Saturday morning.
2. You can nominate any post from any weblog, providing that it’s recent, ie. no more than a couple of weeks old. (There’s no restriction on subject matter, so if you really think that a 5000 word deconstruction of the “Scooter” Libby scandal will interest the readers of TD, then be my guest).
3. Please feel free to nominate more than one post during the course of the week. (But don’t be greedy.)
4. You are not permitted to nominate one of your own posts.
5. Voting will take place over the weekend, and the winner will be announced on Sunday.
6. The winning post will be linked at the top of this page (and at the top of all the archive pages) for the following seven days.
7. Once the week’s winner is announced, nominations will start all over again in a brand new comments box.
8. Voting will take place in a secret sealed chamber, using a judging panel of myself and two guests. The guests will change every week.
9. If you’d like to be a guest judge, then drop me an e-mail at mikejla @ btinternet dot com. Your duties will involve a) reading all the nominated posts and b) e-mailing me with your choices some time on Saturday or Sunday.
This might all flop horribly. On the other hand, it might be an entertaining and worthwhile exercise in “online community building”, or some such pompous piffle. Up to you!
I’ll be listing the nominated posts as we get them, along with short excerpts from each, in a series of little boxes… like so.
(nominated by mike)
“I had been shown how to turn the ribs of beef in the huge ovens and I was to replenish the three sauce boats for serving with the grouse. The larder chef had carved from ice an aeroplane with the caviar in the cockpit for the table of a famous airman. Assistants were arranging garnishes and supplementary sauces. The soup chef was exercising his large vocabulary of obscenities – his consommé had not clarified.”
(nominated by mike)
“After a very pleasant evening involving, amongst other things, friends’ revelations pitched at a degree of surreality so extreme that I propose to wipe them from my mind plus a live demonstration of traditional Japanese men’s underwear (no, really), I willed myself off the premises at 11.30 sharp.”
(nominated by guyana-gyal)
“How am I supposed to take you seriously?” Said the litterbug. “You’re a crisp packet”
“I’m a crisp packet who’s about to fine you £50”, said the crisp packet.
(nominated by anna)
“It is important to avoid a scene. Much as I like the foxy Vegetable Delivery Lady, we must both keep a stiff upper lip about our parting. I hope that she does not do anything foolish that we will both regret later.”
(nominated by anna)
“It is important to avoid a scene. Much as I loathe delivering vegetables to this pervert and would love to tell him what I really think of him on my last day, I just want to get out of here alive and not end up locked behind a bookcase or something.”
(nominated by Clair)
“You should watch out for them, and be particularly wary if you hear their distinctive hunting cry: ‘Arrg kxrrt!'”
(nominated by Clare)
“I now realise why the summer is short. It is short because some bastard has been rifling through my hour-drawer and has made off with what, let’s face it, could have turned out to be the most important, most pleasant and summarily most summerlicious hour of the whole summer.”
(nominated by JonnyB)
“Usually I have the luxury of showering before my appointment, but today I am too busy rushing to doctors to manage it. So I do what wise streetwalkers have been doing for generations. I spurt a bit of perfume on my knickers so that my hoo-ha doesn’t hum when the waxer is doing her thing down there.”
(nominated by Tokyo Girl)
“There’s one in every club. You know – the patently shit stripper, the girl who can’t talk English, gets on stage and goes red, covers her breasts, mutters Hail Marys under her breath, prays Daddy can’t see her now.”
(nominated by mike)
“Abroad got glittering malls. Abroad got streets that sparkling clean, and Abroad got bright, bright street lights. Abroad got jobs that put shiney money in you pockets, and you can buy all kind o’ fancy things that don’t cost you house and land, arm and leg.”
(nominated by asta)
“Just when you think you ken everything there is to ken about living in Scotland, you get a rude awakening.”
(nominated by asta)
“Now I protect myself from contributing a “running plug” to some yahoo by making sure there is a good bit of tumblehome in the stern of my little skiffs. Most chopper gun artists don’t want to have to fool with a split mold so they pass up my boats for something a little cheaper to “produce.” From the examples I see all over the place, it doesn’t make any difference how plug ugly the plug is.”
(nominated by Girl)
“If it’s quarter past seven on the morning of the first Wednesday in November then I’ve been single for exactly six years. (Yes, I know I posted this particular post last year, the year before and the year before that, but I have updated it a bit, and I intend to keep posting it every year on this date until my situation changes. Not that I care if it doesn’t, you understand.)”
(nominated by stressqueen)
“I like Kendal. Lots of reasonable people talking in RP to their little girls, who wear moss green tights and have those old-fashioned metal grips in their hair. I had four halves (that’s meant to indicate how restrained I’ve been, by the way), and two massive doorsteps of that grey “artisan” bread, with some Stilton. It was old people and oddbods mainly, so I fitted in well.”
(nominated by Clare and Karen)
“A lot of cooking happens in this flat, but not much of it is done by me.
This is not because our household subscribes to outmoded gender role stereotypes dating back to the second-wave new man movement of the late 1990s, oh no.
It is instead because I am bad at cooking. I might go as far as to say “very” bad.”
(nominated by ian – WARNING: this one’s quite rude)
“We all breathed out, stretched, sighed and eventually giggled. Guys shift from absolutely deadly seriousness to silly hysteria so quickly. We introduced ourselves”
(nominated by annie and anna)
“London Underground have published a new guide for women on using the tube. I am sure you, like I, have been simply yearning for someone to explain to us how the fundamentally different way we use the underground from men can be best coped with. And this leaflet has been produced ‘by women for women’, so it is sure to be packed full of useful ‘tips’ on how us girls can ‘get the best out of the tube’.”
(nominated by Karen)
“I am angry with myself for agreeing to this. I shut myself in the bathroom with a bottle of whisky. Keep warm by staying under water. Get very drunk, then very sick. Alarmed by this – I don’t usually drink a lot – my wife tries to be pleasant, but cannot. She opens her mouth and the frogs and serpents of a lifetime’s bitterness rush out. Her sister, who looks depressed and clearly wishes we hadn’t come, cooks an inedible Christmas dinner. When not snowing, it rains. I walk on the long grey beach. It is a nightmare.”
OK, your turn. Share the love! And don’t be backwards in coming forwards!
Update: This week’s guest judges are asta and Karen. Next week’s judges have also been appointed.