In honour of Zoe‘s marvellous book (available in the shops NOW, and they really do make such marvellous gifts), based on the marvellous blog of the same name, it gives me great pleasure to host a one-off revival of that marvellous 1970s game show (revived somewhat less marvellously in the 1990s)… Mr & Mrs!!!
The aim of the game is simple. How well do Zoe and her twatty boyfriend Quarsan really know each other? In order to find out, I’ll be asking them each ten questions: five about Zoe, and five about Quarsan. They will be answering these question in strict isolation, with no conferring, secret winks, sign language, telepathic mind control etc etc.
For every pair of matching answers, I shall be awarding one point.
If Zoe and Quarsan agree on all ten of their answers, they will have achieved maximum compatibility.
If they disagree on all ten… well, maybe we won’t be surprised.
OK, Let the game commence!
Zoe, will you please approach the witness stand. My, you do scrub up well. Firstly, I’m going to ask you five questions about yourself. Are you ready? Bonne chance!
1. If your house was on fire, which ONE object would you save? (Please note that the object must be inanimate, and carryable.)
What does inanimate mean? Oh right, I’ve looked it up.
Just the ONE object? Ermmmm – my laptop.
2. If you were obliged to perform karaoke in a public place, which song would you pick?
I would never, ever sing in public – I think people deserve the right never to hear me sing. But IF I really had to, it would be ‘Perfect Day’ had I thought about it, but I just know I’d end up singing ‘Bohemian Raphsody’. Or however you spell it.
3. Which is your favourite post on the acclaimed and award-winning My Boyfriend Is A Twat weblog?
Probably a guest-blogger’s. Or one of the ‘Twat’s Quotes of the Day’.
4. Your household has been described as “a mixture of The Osbournes, Absolutely Fabulous and My Family” – but which character do you resemble the most?
• Sharon Osbourne (played by Sharon Osbourne)
• Edina Monsoon (played by Jennifer Saunders)
• Patsy Stone (played by Joanna Lumley)
• Susan Harper (played by Zoe Wanamaker)
Edina Monsoon, I’m afraid.
5. Which ONE item of Quarsan’s clothing would you most like to destroy?
His poncy-poofy-tracky-trainers, without a doubt.
Thank you for your answers, Zoe. We’ll be talking to you again later. Now please stand down.
Quarsan, will you please approach the witness stand. Ah, I see that you’re wearing your favourite hooded sweatshirt. The one with gibbons on it. No, you haven’t got time to make a political speech. OK, is Zoe wearing her headphones in the isolation booth? Then we may proceed.
Quarsan, here are five questions about Zoe. Please answer them truthfully – and remember: each matching answer that you give will earn you one point. Once again, bonne chance!
1. If your house was on fire, which ONE object would Zoe save? (Please note that the object must be inanimate, and carryable.)
This is impossible. She’d be running round like a badger with it’s arse on fire. She could pick up anything, anything at all. I’ll go for her laptop or failing that a hairdryer.
As you both said “laptop”, you score ONE POINT!
2. If Zoe was obliged to perform karaoke in a public place, which song would she pick?
She would sing Bohemian Rhapsody. Loudly and badly. She would also fail to get the words right. This has happened frequently. Next time i’m going to put it on You Tube.
Ooh, tricky. You both said “Bohemian Rhapsody”, but Zoe’s first answer was “Perfect Day”. However, as Zoe said that she “just knows” she’d end up singing Bo Rhap, I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, and award you a SECOND POINT!
3. Which is Zoe’s favourite post on the acclaimed and award-winning My Boyfriend Is A Twat weblog?
Dunno. Probably one of the guest posts, probably yours.
Ah, how you flatter me. In which case, as you both said “guest post”, you can have a THIRD POINT! How long can this lucky streak last?
4. Your household has been described as “a mixture of The Osbournes, Absolutely Fabulous and My Family” – but which character does Zoe resemble the most?
• Sharon Osbourne (played by Sharon Osbourne)
• Edina Monsoon (played by Jennifer Saunders)
• Patsy Stone (played by Joanna Lumley)
• Susan Harper (played by Zoe Wanamaker)
Ih give me a chance here. She’s as bossy as Sharon, as batshit as Edina, as pissed as Patsy. But out of the shower she looks just like Susan, so i’ll go for Susan Harper.
QUACK QUACK OOPS! As Zoe went for Edina Monsoon, you earn your first fail. Tant pis! Chin up!
5. Which ONE item of your clothing would Zoe most like to destroy?
My tracksuit bottoms. They’re excellent made by small asian children for Mr Ron Hill. Suitable for all occasions, combning comfort, practicability and style. For some unaccountable reason Zoe takes exception to them and tries to tear them up at every opportunity, even when I am wearing them. In a restaurant.
Well, that one was always going to be an easy lob, wasn’t it? Congratulations, Quarsan and Zoe: after the first round, you have scored an impressive FOUR POINTS OUT OF FIVE.
Now, let’s see how you fare on Round Two. Quarsan, please enter the isolation booth. Zoe, welcome back. Here are your five questions on Quarsan.
1. What is Quarsan’s most annoying habit? (Please note that you may only pick ONE answer. Nobody said this was going to be easy.)
His farting. Light a match and this house would go up in flames. He is also capable of farting so loudly during the night that he wakes me up.
2. As an ex-pat Brit living in Belgium, which ONE aspect of British life does Quarsan miss the most?
Mountains. Do they count? If not, then bacon butties.
3. And which ONE aspect of Belgian life annoys Quarsan the most?
Shops being shut on Sunday. This isn’t fair – just the ONE?
4. Many otherwise sane and well-balanced couples have instigated an exemption clause known as the “Celebrity Bye” into their relationship. This permits each partner, should the opportunity arise, to enjoy extra-marital physical relations with ONE previously named celebrity, on ONE occasion, with no fear of sanction. If you and Quarsan were ever barmy enough to instigate a “Celebrity Bye”, which lucky celebrity would Quarsan nominate as his Bonk of Choice?
That goes without saying: Kylie bloody Minogue.
5. Finally, and in the interests of balance: which is Quarsan’s ONE most lovable quality?
His ability to make me laugh so much.
Merci bien, Zoe. You did good.
Quarsan, let’s see whether your answers match Zoe’s. Here we go…
1. What is your most annoying habit?
I have no annoying habits. I have innocent habits that Zoe, in her unreasonable way, interprets as annoying. She’d probably have to decide between bottom burps and my ability to totally ignore her, something many have tried but few achieve. It’s a bit like tuning out the static in your head when listening to Radio Luxembourg. I think the gastrinal aerobics.
Ooh, we were on the edge of our seats with that one, weren’t we, readers? But you got there in the end, Quarsan. Farts it is! ONE POINT!
2. As an ex-pat Brit living in Belgium, which ONE aspect of British life do you miss the most?
Bacon. And mountains. And mountains of bacon.
Well, you both said “bacon”, and you both said “mountains”. That’s almost worth two points! But let’s not get carried away here.
3. And which ONE aspect of Belgian life annoys you the most?
The fact that there are three seperate languages/ governments/ nations in Belgium and this causes confusion and an almost apartheid system. I’ve said that Belgium mostly resembles Rwanda with an economy.
QUACK QUACK OOPS! Ah, y’see? If you go dragging politics into the equation, then you’re bound to come a cropper where Zoe’s concerned. Nul points for this one, I’m afraid.
4. Many otherwise sane and well-balanced couples have instigated an exemption clause known as the “Celebrity Bye” into their relationship. This permits each partner, should the opportunity arise, to enjoy extra-marital physical relations with ONE previously named celebrity, on ONE occasion, with no fear of sanction. If you and Zoe were ever barmy enough to instigate a “Celebrity Bye”, which lucky celebrity would you nominate as your Bonk of Choice?
Apart from Kylie, you mean? Actually, she is beginning to look a bit odd, what’s that thing with the pernamently raised eyebrow? I’m seriously considering turning my attentions to Konnie Huq.
Again, an easy lob where Kylie is concerned. (I know what you’re thinking, but I won’t stoop so low.) Have another point.
5. Finally, and in the interests of balance: which is your ONE most lovable quality? (Please note that you may only pick ONE answer. Nobody said this was going to be easy.)
I can catch spiders.
QUACK QUACK OOPS! Or maybe the way you catch spiders is in itself mirth-inducing? Well, maybe we’ll find out in the next book.
OK, you two. Shall we look at the final scores?
Well, sacré bleu, zut alors and chouette: you have scored a combined Compatability Quotient of…
… (dramatic pause) ….
70%. How healthy and functional is that? Many congratulations! No, you haven’t won a car! Cue credits!
(Enjoyed the show? Then BUY THE BOOK. I’ve read it! It’s great! And I don’t even read books! What greater endorsement could there be?)
troubled diva 