Groin strain moan.

Does everyone who works in an office get the same health and safety training videos that we do? You know, the ones where you’re so busy thinking…

  • Ooh, I wondered what had happened to Selina Scott. Fancy being reduced to this! Fame can be a fickle mistress…
  • Those fringed boots were a mistake. She’d never have got away with them on BBC Breakfast. That’s what happens when you lose the stylists, I guess.
  • His trousers want burning. I wouldn’t be seen dead with those sorts of creases round the crotch.
  • Got to be around, what, 1997? 1998? Hang on, that cerise Wallis-does-Prada jacket of hers has to push it on a good couple of years. I used to be so good at this! Has fashion homogenised, or have I just lost my antennae?
  • God, how did we cope with PCs like that? The size of them!
  • You’re not telling me she’s a professional actress. Look at the way she’s making that phone call, bless her.
  • There’s something about this which reminds me of porn. I keep thinking someone’s going to… eww, pimples!

…that you end up not paying the slightest bit of attention to the content?

(And in any case, how difficult can it be to lift a sodding cardboard box in the first place? Besides, I work in an office, not a warehouse, so it’s all completely irrelevant to my needs. You’d think they’d target these things a bit more precisely. Is it some sort of statutory requirement these days? Tsk, Nanny State Britain…)

Well, maybe – just maybe – if I’d paid a bit more attention to yesterday’s “Manual Handling” video (I know, I know, don’t set me off), I wouldn’t have ended up straining my groin while unloading the car last night, and this afternoon’s pruning session wouldn’t have left me in so much physical discomfort. Oh, the irony.

Still, Co-codamol helps. As does the melon martini which K has just this second handed me (that new juicer’s a godsend). And there’s dressed crab for later, straight off the back of the fish van an hour ago. And I’m not back at work until Tuesday, woo-hoo! Loving these four-day weekends that I’m taking all the way through August!

Bah. I never was much good at playing for sympathy. Well, have a good weekend. I certainly intend to.

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