Whenever I launch these overblown interactive blog stunt competition type thingies, I am invariably put in mind of a rock singer launching himself into the outstretched arms of the crowd below, secure in the faith that they will stop him from falling straight to the floor.
Except that, rather than feeling secure in that faith, I’m usually fretting that maybe this will be the one where everyone steps aside and watches me do myself a nasty injury.
Up until now, these fears have always proved to be groundless. But every run of good luck has got to stop somewhere; and from where I’m standing, I’m not seeing too many hands.
Hmm, I’m starting to go off this metaphor. Anyway, all of this is a needlessly convoluted way of saying that, um, I’ve not exactly been deluged with entries in the Write Like A Diva competition (see below for a full explanation). Just in case you’ve been putting it off, then I should remind you that the deadline for submissions is midnight tonight.
Come on now; I can’t be that difficult to imitate. Here’s a checklist: long rambling sentences (with occasional short ones for effect), overuse of adverbs, lots of parenthesised digressions, sentences starting with prepositions, self-deprecating self-aggrandisement (or is that self-aggrandising self-deprecation?), sarcasm and smut, the occasional unexpected burst of tear-jerking sentimentality, plenty of Big Words, plenty of Unnecessary Capitalisations In The Middle Of Sentences, lists-a-go-go, that hyphenating-words-together-thing which screws up the table design in Firefox every now and again (although we must obviously all stick to the accepted doublethink which holds that this is still All Microsoft’s Fault)… ooh, the list is endless. (Oh yes, and I use “oh yes” and “ooh” quite a lot.)
So, yeah, piece of piss basically.
Come on, readers. You don’t get summink for nuffink on this site. (Well, you do, but that’s not my point.) Allay my fears! Give a little love back! Don’t make me beg! Let’s see those hands! You can do it! Yeah!
I shall stop now, before I morph into Saira from The Apprentice. But, yeah, you have until midnight.