The Troubled Diva Parallel Universe Top 40.

A quieter week than usual on the chart, with just five new entries. (You should hear the crap they’ve given me to review for next week’s Stylus column. Or maybe that’s my job: to wade through the crap, so that you don’t have to.)

Rachel Stevens hangs on at Number One, with a rapidly rising Kylie nudging her vigorously from behind. The Bees bag the highest new entry, Nick Cave has the highest climber, and it’s Goodbye to The Futureheads, Verbalicious, DJ Earworm, Girls Aloud and Ciara featuring M.I.A.

This week’s general trend seems to be towards Proper Grown Up Music, with new entries in the Top 10 from Mercury Rev, Rufus Wainwright, The Arcade Fire… and, yes, Antony & The Johnsons (featuring a guest appearance from Lou Reed).

And while we’re back on the subject of everybody’s favourite shaven-headed warbling arthouse androgyne, perhaps I should blog the following exchange from yesterday evening.

(Or perhaps I shouldn’t. After all, there has been quite enough of this sort of thing recently.)

(No, stuff it, who cares.)

Mike: Yes, I know he’s preposterous, but it is all still rather lovely at the same time. What’s so great is that you can come at him from so many directions.

K: So long as you aim for the tits.

Mike: Yes! From behind his head… straddling his legs… sideways on… diagonally… he doesn’t mind! He’ll just “accept and collect” it all anyway…

Oh dear. Where has all this low-grade smut come from? Must be the sap rising in the springtime. Tee-hee, “sap rising”. Shall we have that chart, then?

1 (1) Negotiate With Love – Rachel Stevens
2 (6) Giving You Up – Kylie Minogue
3 (7) 10 Dollar/Pull Up The People – M.I.A.
4 (4) Brown Eyes – Kano
5 (12) Fistful Of Love – Antony & The Johnsons
6 (2) No Sleep Tonight – The Faders
7 (3) Oh My Gosh – Basement Jaxx
8 (14) Neighborhood #2 (Laika) – The Arcade Fire
9 (11) The One You Love – Rufus Wainwright
10 (19) Across Yer Ocean – Mercury Rev
11 (-) Chicken Payback – The Bees
12 (15) Get Right – Jennifer Lopez (featuring Fabolous)
13 (5) Stay With You – Lemon Jelly
14 (8) Too Cold – Roots Manuva
15 (10) Random – Lady Sovereign
16 (13) They – Jem
17 (9) (Is This The Way To) Amarillo – Tony Christie
18 (36) Get Ready For Love – Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
19 (32) It’s Like That – Mariah Carey ft Fatman Scoop & Jermaine Dupri
20 (-) My Friend Dario – Vitalic
21 (16) Go Gone – Estelle
22 (21) Just A Moment – Nas featuring Quan
23 (18) Bring It Back Again – The Earlies
24 (30) Banquet – Bloc Party
25 (26) I See Girls – Studio B featuring Romeo
26 (-) In Public – Kelis featuring Nas
27 (28) Little Sister – Queens Of The Stone Age
28 (20) Bring ‘Em Out – T.I.
29 (-) Finding Out True Love Is Blind – Louis XIV (*)
30 (37) Let Me Love You – Mario
31 (23) Yeti – Caribou
32 (34) Don’t Say You Love Me – Erasure
33 (22) Krafty – New Order
34 (25) Rich Girl – Gwen Stefani (featuring Eve)
35 (27) My Heartbeat – Annie
36 (29) Living The Dream – Million Dead
37 (24) Used To Love U – John Legend
38 (33) Whoopsie Daisy – Terri Walker
39 (-) Why Do You Love Me – Garbage
40 (40) Just Let Go – Fischerspooner

(*) A guilty pleasure, which has been “bubbling under” for the past couple of weeks. Thoroughly reprehensible on one level; curiously enjoyable on another. I’m not proud.

Oh, and while I’m here, and before I forget (because I really should have posted this two weeks ago), a Hot Musical Tip for you. Straight from the mouth of James B, who is currently running the Club NME nights across the UK, and who is never wrong about such things: The Magic Numbers. You heard it here first!

Plus, if unsigned bands are your thing: Fear Of Music and Long Blonde. No, me neither. But you still heard it here first. (Do you get the sense that I’m trying to manufacture another Scissor Sisters moment?)

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