OH MY GOD THERE ARE WINDOW CLEANERS OUTSIDE SITTING ON PRECARIOUS LITTLE HARNESSES AND WE ARE 11 FLOORS UP AND THEY WILL SURELY DIE AND MY PALMS ARE SWEATING AND MY BOLLOCKS ARE TURNING TO WATER JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
Oh, are we on-air? Right then. Not much time, so let’s crack on with this week’s results.
Some weeks, there’s a clear consensus amongst the judges; other weeks, votes go flying all over the place. This week was firmly in the latter category; so much so, that – for the first time ever – only one post picked up votes from all three of us (myself, Ms Boob Pencil and Ms Stressqueen). Happily, this post also scored the most points numerically. And the name of that post is…
“Engaging”, said one judge. “A tale many of us can identify with; it is
delightfully written and contains a sting in the tail”, said another. Quite so, quite so.
(nominated by Sarsparilla)
They held each other tight, seeking, one from the other, refuge from the storm. And in their tangled limbs, their slowing breaths, their resting hearts beating in rhythmic sync, they took, one from the other, shelter, comfort, and peace.
(nominated by Rob and asta)
Pootle about, wash, make-up, some vague form of breakfast, some vague form of tidying, check everything is in bag, check again, check again, run around in circles, leave the house.
(nominated by asta)
Say what you like about Simon Hughes’ dramatic retraction of his claims to heterosexuality, but it’s certainly kept the homophobes in column inches.
(nominated by Looby)
And then the real reason we were actually there with full face make up and styled hair at 10:30 AM on the dot walked in. Our professor. Names aren’t important. Played by George Clooney.
(nominated by Zinnia Cyclamen)
After thirty years in London, they still seemed country people, he and my plump rosy Gran, as short as him but twice as wide, her eternal respectable hats firmly anchored with a huge pin. Over their broad voices lay a soft measured primness quite unlike their city neighbours, learned, I suppose, from the land-owning family with whom they’d been ‘in service’.
(nominated by Hana)
Men like to look at naked women. A lot. Asses, boobs, legs, all parts combined, you name it. They like it. IT MEANS NOTHING. And yet their women freak the f**k out about it. All the time.
(nominated by Zinnia Cyclamen)
I hear a crick crack snapping sound…and the rope bruk in two…and the second half o’ the rope turn into a snake, a two foot snake with a small, small face and thin, thin tail. Was a pale snake, sort o’ light grey-brown, pale, pale with really light markings. The snake wriggle past me and disappear under the old house.
(nominated by martin)
But it’s not the prizes which matter, it’s the acclaim of being voted for by thousands of random Americans who’ve never read my page before. Hello Wyoming!!!
(nominated by mike, via Gert)
From: Royal Press Secretary
To: His Majesty
Date: 1st February 2006
As Your Majesty requested recently, in order to divert public attention from the regrettable demise of a small number of pilgrims in Makkah during the last Hajj, Saudi newspapers were instructed to revive the four-month-old story of cartoons about the Prophet (PBUH) in a Danish newspaper, and turn it into an attack on Denmark, together with a “spontaneous demand by the people” for a boycott of Danish goods.
(nominated by Rob)
Benefits: Makes millions of hippies giddy with joy.
Downside: Sure, today it’s corn oil, but tomorrow it’ll be baby oil (the oil of smushed up babies) and soon it’ll be the oil from the eyeballs of endangered birds–we all know how these things go.
(nominated by mike)
The change looks innocuous enough. Wives, parents, friends may even be pleased that the young man seems to be getting so deeply interested in matters of faith and spirituality. What can be more harmless and praiseworthy? Thus the fact that the young man is becoming interested in an extremist, violent ideaology slips under the radar. ‘At least he is not taking drugs, getting into trouble’.