In Which I Give A Tour

(Posted by Miss Mish)

There are five of us here in the guest room at Troubled Diva and frankly darlings it’s a bit of tight squeeze. Even though I’ve bought the MINIMUM of luggage  for these two weeks I still have to apologise anytime someone trips over a  hatbox or two.  We’re queuing for the bathroom most mornings  and  obviously being female I don’t even get a LOOK at the remote control but  I’ve got the radio alarm permanently tuned to Radio 4 to make up for it. Everyone is being oh-so-polite to each other  and trying to keep their elbows in but  mark  my words, there’ll be Tears Before Bedtime.

However, I have the place to myself this morning so  in true, “Hello” style I’d thought I’d throw open the doors of  this Lovely Home and show you the delights  within.

First of all,  the hallway.  Traditional black and white chequered 1930s style floor tiles.   Green baize door leading to servants’ quarters off to the left.  We have no idea what happens there apart from a couple of times a day, food comes out.

Opening the wide double doors to the right,  we move to the ballroom. A magnificent Louis Vingt-et-un style of rococo marvelousness. Polished marble floor with the odd  chip in it caused by cornering too fast during the tango. Beautiful French doors leading to the gardens. Now frankly, these are a  bit of a disappointment. Just the usual terraces, peacocks, espaliered  peach trees,  kitchen herb garden, a Ha Ha  (so last year) and the same-old, same-old formal gardens  with fountains and gravel pathways.

Moving on up the stairs we pass the   portraits of Divas gone by and some of them seem actively Untroubled to me. However, you can still notice the family  resemblance.

The first floor drawing room contains a  comfortable grouping of sofas, occasional tables,  frequent tables and sporadic tables. Scattered about are footstools and cushions all in that early Nash Interior style.

The dining room is Spartan and appears to contain nothing except a variety of telephone hotlines and   a comprehensive collection of menus from Merchants, World Service, Harts etc.

On this floor is also a snug. A small cosy room with   just a few tables and Knowle sofas, centred on a large TV. To the right of this, is a  large cabinet, which upon further inspection contains possibly the UKs finest collection of Eurovision videotapes.  Going back as far as Wogan pre-wig and with the first appearance of Katie Boyle it is  the collector’s collection. Neatly arranged below are  photographic evidence of  the famous Eurovision parties along with a guest list, menu and party favours.

On the wall are  framed  pictures of ‘The Tufts’,  K’s amusing alternative theatre work along with a few of his more virulent ties.

The third floor is more ambient. A more relaxed lighting suffuses  the corridors, gently illuminating the  master bedroom suite. Exactly how you would imagine it – only with less  strapping and mirrors. I shall not reveal the contents of the bathroom ( apart from to say that a natural waterfall makes its presence known) likewise with the dressing rooms. One must have some privacy after all.  But let me just say that you couldn’t make it up. Honestly you couldn’t.

Moving past our guest room, (I’d better open the window to let the fug out)  we come to the part of the tour that everyone has been  waiting for.

The Playroom. Huge in proportion yet still cosy, massively pillared it contains…..
Oh hang on. That’s someone coming back. (Whispers)  I’d better leave it until next time

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