The Troubled Diva Fame Academy.

Guest Weeks. Dontchajustluvvem?

I know I do. Over at Uborka, I’m having a high old time, and enjoying the challenge of coming up with postings that will, at least to some degree, fit into Pete and Karen’s house style.

(Incidentally, to fully understand my third Uborka posting (Recipes of Yesteryear), you will need to be familiar with the second posting, including the comments. Meanwhile, the fourth posting (YAHNET Acronyms) is something of a world exclusive, which will hopefully be of particular interest to Internet historians. Overseas readers may struggle with this one, I’m sorry to say.)

In the meantime, Peter has been assembling his cast for the first ever Naked Blog Guest Week, which kicks off on Monday June 7th. I can scarcely wait.

Today, upon reading some marvellous news in one of my favourite blogs, I had a sudden realisation. Namely, that of the five contributors to my inaugural Guest Week in March 2003:

I am beyond thrilled. Just call me Richard Park.

There only remains one thing for me to say: YOO-HOO! COO-EEE! OVER HERE!

Recipes of Yesteryear

Dodo en croute with a fweet chilli jam, ferved on a polenta and wafabioatcake.

Firft, catch your Dodo.
Decapitate and bone.
(If boiled for many hourf, ye bill may make a fuperlative and nourifhing – if, alaf,fomewhat noxioufftock.)
Roaft your Dodo in a clay oven, until ye characteriftic odour of urine ftartf to prevail.
At thif juncture, ye flefh fhould have developed a fine patina of verdigrif, fuch af will glow e’en in ye blackneff of ye night.
ftick ye Dodo in fome paftry which ye have preparèd earlier.
(A thoufand pardonf. My culinary fkillf are but meagre.)
fmear fome jam on top.
Plonk ye Dodo on ye oatcake.
Enfure that your gueftf have been furnifhèd with a goodly fupply of nofe pegf, with which to hold ye foul ftench at bay.
ferve.
Retire to vomitorium at leifure.
Whereupon ye might care to contemplate ye wretchedneff of your lot.

YAHNET Acronyms

Most Internet historians, while quick to acknowledge the early influence of JANET (the UK’s Joint Academic Network), are all too often slow to acknowledge the equally pioneering role that was played by YAHNET: a communications network that was set up in the mid 1980s by a consortium of many of the country’s leading public schools. Thanks to the generous levels of funding which these establishments enjoyed, a thriving community of scholars soon developed – complete with their own set of commonly used acronyms.

Keen to keep this knowledge safely hidden from their social inferiors (orLO, as they were known), YAHNET systems administrators went to great lengths to ensure that these acronyms never entered the public domain. Indeed, it has taken me many months of diligent sleuthing to track them down – finally tracing them to an old DEC VAX on a council tip on the outskirts of Winchester.

It therefore gives me great pleasure to publish the semi-legendary YAHNET acronyms for the first time ever on the World Wide Web –exclusively on Uborka.

1 first person singular
1s first person possessive
+ – — major/minor/minimus
(e.g. Smith+ Smith- Smith–)
M8R/P8R parents
BK master
RCHBK headmaster
M8RN matron
LWWD cleaner (lit. little woman who does)
XE@ mid-term weekend break
XULE actually (replaces the full stop at the end of most sentences)
DUK don’t you know (alternative to XULE above)
SBITTS offline (lit. scoffing buns in the tuck shop)
WMTS where’s my toast, sprog?
FMTF fetch my tea, fag!
GLO ghastly little oik
FLS frightful little squirt
(e.g. Smith– is a FLS XULE)
APCP addle-pated clodpod (arch.)
CLM common little man
LO/NR/OOU social classification system
(lit. lower orders/nouveau riche/one of us)
SITC something in the city
(e.g. 1s P8R is SITC DUK)
1XI/2XI first eleven/second eleven (cricket team)
1XV/2XV first fifteen/second fifteen (rugby team)
<=> rugger
3<=> rugger bugger
8= cricket
Jo hockey
CCF shadowy military indoctrination cult
PFIJD pillow fight in junior dorm
SBG soggy biscuit game
WITS post-match onanism (not to be confused with hockey orcricket above)
BKB8R strong term of abuse (lit. wanker)
(see BK above)
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