Mr. Sandman

[posted by Mac]

You know how Disneyland is often described as The Happiest Place on Earth? If the neighborhood in which I live were to be made into a theme park, it would be described as The Freakiest Place on Earth…and it would be named Mulletland.

I live in a small neighborhood in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania called Fishtown [at least until the end of the month, when we shall flee for the comfort of our own home in a better neighborhood]. Such a pretty name. In historical context, it’s called Fishtown because in the early 20th Century the main street that runs through was lined with fish markets and all the dock workers and fishermen lived in the neighborhood. Now it’s filled with cretins sporting the mullet haircut and assorted mouthbreathers.

Mr. Fish and I moved in three years ago to take advantage of the dirt cheap rents, amid adamant warnings from all our friends. We would be killed, they said. They don’t like strangers, they told us. There have been no torch bearing mobs storming the house yet, but we have certainly been regarded with suspicion by the locals since the day we moved in. In fact, no one would even speak to us until late last year. I consider that a blessing.

Next to our house is a bar called the Starboard Side Tavern. We are treated to bar clearing streetfights at least once every week. It’s not uncommon to leave the house in the morning to find blood and teeth on my doorstep. It’s also not uncommon to be rudely awakened in the middle of the night by some bar patron who has staggered outside and is now violently vomiting on the side of our house.

Last night the bar closed at 2am [as usual], and a passel of drunk women decided to perch on our stoop and serenade the neighborhood with a slurred rendition of a Britney Spears medley. It just doesn’t get any worse than that.

Or so I thought.

Fifteen minutes into the whole thing, they suddenly stop and start discussing sexual technique. The very thought of a woman with three teeth in her head giving pointers on fellatio was enough to give me the shakes.

I didn’t sleep a wink.

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