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Sunday, August 13, 2006

Which decade is Tops for Pops? - THE WINNER.

1st place - The 1970s. (38 points)

2005: 3rd place, 30 points.
2004: 2nd place, 31 points.
2003: 1st place, 35 points + 1 tiebreak point.
10: Dat - Pluto Shervington. 1st place.
9: We Do It - R & J Stone. 3rd place.
8: Love Machine - The Miracles. 2nd place.
7: Convoy - C.W. McCall. 3rd place.
6: Love To Love You Baby - Donna Summer. 2nd place.
5: Mamma Mia - Abba. 1st place, most popular.
4: Rodrigo's Guitar Concerto De Aranjuez - Manuel & His Music Of The Mountains. 4th place, least popular.
3: I Love To Love - Tina Charles. 2nd place.
2: Forever And Ever - Slik. 2nd place.
1: December 1963 (Oh What A Night) - Four Seasons. 2nd place.
Right from Day One, when Pluto Shervington's "Dat" took the lead, there was never any real doubt as to which decade would be this year's winner. Throughout all ten rounds of voting, the 1970s remained ahead, earning them the highest score of any decade in any of our four years to date. Despite fielding only two winners, from Pluto and Abba, only one song from 1976 finished below third, with five songs finishing second. That's what we call conclusive.

But before this all started, did we think that naff old 1976 had it in them to win? After all, approved rock history tells us that these were the dark days before punk rock came along and Saved Music. Or something.

Interestingly, there isn't a single record in this top ten which could be said to belong to the "rock" tradition, however tangentially. This is pop all the way, with the odd foray into light soul, reggae, disco, country & western and easy listening. The only faint hints of "rebellion" come from Pluto's taboo-breaking meat-related purchase, and CW McCall's "bear"-dodging escapades on the Great American Highway.

As a lad, I remember an NME singles review column from round about this time, bearing the headline "Don't Look Now, But You're Living In A Golden Age", which went on to make specific mention of several of the songs in this list. At the time, it seemed like a decidedly questionable proposition. But in these newly liberated, post-Guilty Pleasures days, it would seem that the dear old "rockist" NME showed remarkable presience.



The Top Ten and the Bottom Five.

(Positions are calculated by dividing the numbers of points scored by the number of people voting on that day.)

1. 19th Nervous Breakdown - Rolling Stones.
2. Mamma Mia - Abba.
3. These Boots Are Made For Walking - Nancy Sinatra.
4. Borderline - Madonna.
5. Chain Reaction - Diana Ross.
6. Slight Return - The Bluetones.
7. Dat - Pluto Shervington.
8. Keep On Running - Spencer Davis Group.
9. You Got The Love (New Voyager Mix) - The Source featuring Candi Staton.
10. Spanish Flea - Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass.

46. Anything - 3T.
47. That's My Goal - Shayne Ward.
48. Thunder In My Heart Again - Meck featuring Leo Sayer.
49. Burning Heart - Survivor
50. Open Arms - Mariah Carey.



Cumulative scores for the decades to date, after three years:

1 (2=) The 1970s - 135 points.
2 (2=) The 1960s - 134 points.
3 (1) The 1980s - 132 points.
4 (4) The 2000s - 101 points.
5 (5) The 1990s - 99 points.

It's still neck and neck at the top, with the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s regularly swapping positions. Next February, we start all over again - with what I must warn you is a truly shocking selection of ropey old toss.

No, I can hardly wait either! Thanks to all who particpated. It's been a blast.

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Which decade is Tops for Pops? - the results.

2nd place - The 1960s. (37 points)

2005: 2nd place, 33 points.
2004: 1st place, 36 points.
2003: 3rd place, 28 points.
10: Mirror Mirror - Pinkerton's Assorted Colours. 3rd place.
9: Tomorrow - Sandie Shaw. 4th place.
8: Keep On Running - Spencer Davis Group. 1st place.
7: Love's Just A Broken Heart - Cilla Black. 2nd place.
6: A Groovy Kind Of Love - The Mindbenders. 3rd place.
5: Michelle - The Overlanders. 5th place, least popular.
4: Spanish Flea - Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass. 2nd place.
3: You Were On My Mind - Crispian St Peters. 1st place.
2: 19th Nervous Breakdown - Rolling Stones. 1st place, most popular.
1: These Boots Are Made For Walking - Nancy Sinatra. 1st place.
For a year which is commonly held to contain some of the most ground-breaking pop music of the last half-century, our 1966 selection looks a tad under-baked. Here are Pinkerton's Assorted Colours and The Mindbenders, trotting out the same sort of neat-n-tidy neo-Merseybeat that has been regularly charting since 1963. Here are Cilla Black and Sandie Shaw, delivering the sort of MOR ballads that would sit easily amongst the TV light entertainment shows of the day. Here's Herb Alpert, standing right outside the prevailing pop/rock/r&b fashions with his cheesy MOR. And here are The Overlanders, pointlessly carbon-copying one of the Beatles' sappier numbers for a quick buck.

However, the remaining four singles in our top ten do contain music that was, in some way, pushing against genre restrictions and moving things forward. There has never been an easy-listening standard quite like the gleefully perverse "These Boots Are Made For Walking" - a song which is custom-made for the epithet "kinky". Crispian St Peters, though destined only to enjoy two UK hit singles, messes with the Roy Orbison/Everly Brothers template to agreeable effect. The Spencer Davis Group are helping to define a grittier r&B-influenced rock sound - and the Rolling Stones are right out there, rising further above the herd with every new release, and giving establishment Middle England the heebie-jeebies good and proper.

After floundering about for a bit, the top three brought the 1960s to an almost triumphant conclusion in our voting, shortening a six-point gap between winner and runner-up to a difference of just one point. That's not bad going for a forty-year-old. But really, this year's winner was never in any doubt...

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Saturday, August 12, 2006

Which decade is Tops for Pops? - the results.

3rd place - The 1980s. (33 points)

2005: 1st place, 34 points.
2004: 3rd place, 30 points.
2003: 2nd place, 35 points.
10: The Captain Of Her Heart - Double. 2nd place.
9: Living In America - James Brown. 2nd place.
8: Burning Heart - Survivor. 5th place, least popular.
7: System Addict - Five Star. 4th place.
6: Borderline - Madonna. 1st place, most popular.
5: How Will I Know - Whitney Houston. 3rd place.
4: Chain Reaction - Diana Ross. 1st place.
3: Eloise - The Damned. 3rd place.
2: Starting Together - Su Pollard. 3rd place.
1: When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going - Billy Ocean. 3rd place.
In contrast with the hapless, harshly judged 1990s, the decade of Big Hair, upturned collars, rolled-up jacket sleeves and saxophone solos has lucked out big time this year. Is this decidedly motley Top 10 from February 1986 really worth 12 more points than its nearest rival for third position? Did Double's weedy synth-pop and James Brown's over-produced ersatz funk really deserve to come second? Did Whitney's unexceptional dance/pop and The Damned's slightly desperate, give-us-a-hit-at-all-costs cover version really deserve to come third? And as for Batty But Loveable Su Pollard finishing any higher than fifth... HELLO, what were you thinking?

So maybe the 1980s have benefitted from the luck of the draw this time. Nevertheless, in amongst all the dodgy (and remarkably similar) spray-on gloss effect production jobs lurked the odd gem or two. Madonna's "Borderline", Diana Ross's "Chain Reaction"... and OK, maybe even Billy Ocean's "When The Going Gets Tough" is ripe for re-habilitation, Guilty Pleasures style.

Still, however you look at it, February 1986 really wasn't one of pop's finest hours. Little did we know that a whole clutch of era-defining moments were just around the corner: Prince's "Kiss", Cameo's "Word Up", Run DMC and Aerosmith's "Walk This Way", the renaissance of post-electro hip-hop as spearheaded by LL Cool J and Def Jam records, the dawn of DJ/sampling culture, and the emergence over the summer of Chicago house music. For me and for many other pissed-off music fans, 1986 was the year of The Rebirth Of The Groove. It's just that, looking at this little list, you wouldn't quite have known it yet.

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Which decade is Tops for Pops? - the results.

With apologies for the continued delay. We were out looking at prize poultry at the Manifold Valley Agricultural Show - don't scoff, the poultry was STUNNING - and then Clare Boob Pencil popped round for tea (and stayed for sardines). You know how it goes.

Equal 4th place - The 1990s. (21 points)

2005: 5th place, 26 points.
2004: 4th place, 27 points.
2003: 5th place, 25 points.
10: I Wanna Be A Hippy - Technohead. 5th place.
9: Slight Return - The Bluetones. 1st place, most popular.
8: Children - Robert Miles. 3rd place.
7: Do U Still - East 17. 5th place.
6: Open Arms - Mariah Carey. 5th place, least popular.
5: One Of Us - Joan Osborne. 4th place.
4: Lifted - The Lighthouse Family. 3rd place.
3: I Got 5 On It - Luniz. 5th place.
2: Anything - 3T. 5th place.
1: Spaceman - Babylon Zoo. 4th place.
Sharing its disgrace with the 2000s, this year sees the overall lowest scores awarded to any of our decades to date - and by quite some distance at that. (Previously, the lowest score ever awarded was 25 points.)

Despite a promising start, with decent placings for The Bluetones and Robert Miles, the 1990s quickly tanked, with 50% of our selection finishing in last place. And yet, running my eye down the 1996 top ten, it looks on the face of it like a perfectly reasonable, diverse and representative selection, with Britpop, dance, soul, hip-hop, rock and pure pop all rubbing shoulders.

Maybe 1996 just got unlucky, slammed into the lower positions by an unusually strong showing from the earlier decades. In particular, Robert Miles, Joan Osborne and Luniz seem to have suffered from this, with all three picking up plenty of favourable comments along the way. And I'd also put a good word in for Technohead's novelty toytown rave, and the Lighthouse Family's thoroughly pleasant MOR soul. In fact, I own a whopping 60% of the 1996 top ten on CD single, and have happy memories and associations with all of them.

Nevertheless, this is a truly dismal result for the 1990s, which opens up an unprecedented 12 point gap between third and fourth places - a gap which has always existed between the oldest three and the youngest two decades, but which this year has become a yawning chasm.

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Which decade is Tops for Pops? - the results.

Equal 4th place - The 2000s. (21 points)

2005: 4th place, 27 points.
2004: 5th place, 26 points.
2003: 4th place, 27 points.
10: That's My Goal - Shayne Ward. 5th place.
9: Say Say Say (Waiting 4 U) - Hi_Tack. 5th place.
8: Sugar We're Goin' Down - Fall Out Boy. 4th place.
7: You Got The Love (New Voyager mix) - The Source featuring Candi Staton. 1st place, most popular.
6: Check On It - Beyonce featuring Slim Thug. 4th place.
5: All Time Love - Will Young. 2nd place.
4: Run It - Chris Brown featuring Juelz Santana. 5th place.
3: Boys Will Be Boys - The Ordinary Boys. 4th place.
2: Nasty Girl - Notorious BIG featuring Diddy, Nelly, Jagged Edge & Avery Storm. 4th place.
1: Thunder In My Heart Again - Meck featuring Leo Sayer. 5th place, least popular.
With each passing year, as humiliation upon humiliation is heaped upon the beleagured 2000s, so my desire to see them do well increases. It's the usual Support The Underdog syndrome, in other words. But how can you help a decade which so steadfastly refuses to help itself?

Despite having disqualified one single from this year's 2006 top ten (Dead Or Alive's "You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)") on the grounds that it was a straight re-release (and substituting the record at Number 11, Will Young's "All Time Love"), our top ten is still riddled with re-mixes, re-makes and re-hashes. Hi_Tack and Meck have slapped perfunctory dance beats and hackneyed sound effects on top of a couple of quote-unquote "forgotten classics". An old Candi Staton vocal from 1986 gets re-issued for the third time, with yet another backing track. A rapper who has been dead for 9 years is milked for cash yet again, surrounded by as many hangers-on - sorry, sincere admirers and upholders of his legacy - as could fit in the studio. And even one of the few original compositions is a re-release from June 2005, hyped up on the back of the singer's appearance on Celebrity Big Brother.

Of the acts that remain, one is another direct product of Reality TV (Shayne Ward, the recent winner of X Factor), and another (Will Young) owes his inital exposure to winning Pop Idol. Which leaves two US R&B acts (complete with their now obligatory second fiddles in the "featuring who?" slots) and one young British indie band. Hardly a vintage selection, in other words - and containing precious little that could be held to encapsulate the best of contemporary pop.

And didn't this just show up in your votes! Only two songs ("You Got The Love" and "All Time Love") placed inside their respective top twos, and the remaining eight all songs placed either fourth or fifth. Is this mere generational bias (after all, the Troubled Diva readership is a tad light on Yer Actual Young People these days) - or, four years into our survey, is the consistently low placing of the 2000s an indicator of a harsh objective truth?

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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Which Decade Is Tops For Pops? - Year 4 - the Number Ones.

OK, I have kept you waiting long enough. With victory for the 1970s looking increasingly likely, this is the last chance for our four other decades to make their mark. All rise please! It's the Number Ones!
1966: These Boots Are Made For Walking - Nancy Sinatra.
1976: December 1963 (Oh What A Night) - Four Seasons.
1986: When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going - Billy Ocean.
1996: Spaceman - Babylon Zoo.
2006: Thunder In My Heart Again - Meck featuring Leo Sayer.
Listen to a short medley of all five songs.
Some time in the spring of 1966, my parents threw a party. In the course of this, they somehow acquired a small collection of 45rpm singles, probably brought along by one of the guests. As my parents had only minimal interest in pop music, these 45s remained the mainstay of the family singles collection for several years afterwards. I must have played them many dozens of times over the next few years, A-sides and B-sides both, before commencing my own collection in the early 1970s.

The full list of singles from spring 1966 was as follows:
  • Homeward Bound/The Leaves That Are Green - Simon & Garfunkel.
  • Substitute/Waltz For A Pig - The Who.
  • Wild Thing - The Troggs.
  • Hold Tight - Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Titch.
  • I Don't Want You/Ball And Chain - The Anteeks.
  • These Boots Are Made For Walking/The City Never Sleeps At Night - Nancy Sinatra.
No prizes for guessing which single was my favourite. "These Boots Are Made For Walking" was sassy, provocative, and faintly perverse - even to a four year old. It also sounded like no other record I had ever heard: those weird descending chromatics on the bass, for instance, matched by Nancy's downwardly drawled "walk all over you" at the end of the chorus. This is a song which has never quite gone away over the past 40 years, its singularity rendering it impervious to the vagaries of fashion. In other words: a classic.

(So much so, that the song even resisted my attempts to massacre it a couple of weeks ago, down at karaoke night at The Foresters. Oh yes. As if one humiliation hadn't been enough...)

And speaking of classics, and of songs which have never gone away: there is something about the arrangement of the Four Seasons' "December 1963" which is just... perfect. Every little contributory element of the song's irresistable groove is somehow weighted to precisely the right degree, maximising pleasure levels throughout, and turning what might have been a slight and rather corny little number about losing one's virginity into something far greater than the sum of its parts.

(Full disclosure time: the boy I loved bought a copy of this, on the same afternoon that I bought my copy, so we ended up with two copies in the school common room. Such telepathy! We were meant to be together! It was a sign!)

By the spring of 1986, I was rapidly losing any last vestiges of interest in guitar bands, with the exception of The Smiths, REM and the Jesus And Mary Chain. The ground-breaking thrills of post-punk had atrophied into the weedy, wilfully under-achieving new orthodoxies of "indie", as encapsulated in the wildly overrated C86 cassette that was issued, manifesto-style, by the NME.

Instead, my affections had transferred themselves to the alternative canon of soul/funk: from the classics of the 1960s and 1970s to the latest 12" imports, including the new genres of hip-hop, Washington DC go-go - and, within a few months, Chicago house music. And my my, what a snobby purist I was already becoming, policing my genres of choice in much the same way that I had insisted on "real" punk during 1976 and 1977.

So, just as I had derided the Boomtown Rats for not being properly punk enough in 1977/78, I was now doing the same with Billy Ocean, and the suspiciously poppified pseudo-funk of "When The Going Gets Tough". Where everyone else saw a catchy-as-hell slice of pure, participative fun - for this was a song which dared you not to sing along with it - I saw nothing but naffness.

How wrong I was, and how great this is - transcending even the same synthetic 1980s production job which has blighted most of 1986 over the past two weeks. And thank heavens that I have learnt to transcend such pointless snobberies in the meantime.

None of which is to say that I'm prepared to find any value in Babylon Zoo's irredeemably gruesome "Spaceman": a jingle from a jeans ad, which brought accidental and strictly fleeting glory to its creator, a boggle-eyed loon in silver trousers called Jas Mann. This sort of thing used to happen quite regularly in the 1990s. (Anyone remember Stiltskin? Robin Beck? Freakpower?) At least in our media-fragmented, de-centralised 2000s, it takes more than a thirty second jeans ad to get a single in the charts.

On the other hand... at least in the 1990s, it took more than slapping a dance beat over an second-rate old disco record to get a single in the charts. Step forward, Meck featuring Leo Sayer, and their graceless re-working of Sayer's "forgotten classic" Thunder In My Heart. (Ever get the feeling we're running short on forgotten classics?) Because obviously, what Thunder In My Heart needed all along was one of those bits where everything goes muffled like a wonky old cassette tape, WHY do people persist on doing this in the middle of dance tracks, WHY WHY WHY?

And there you have it: our final selection for this year, complete with yet another tell-tale gap in quality between our three oldest and our two youngest decades. 1990s and 2000s: you've let yourselves down again. With the best will in the world, there's not much we can do to help you, if you can't help yourselves. Tsk.

My votes: Nancy Sinatra - 5 points. Four Seasons - 4 points. Billy Ocean - 3 points. Meck featuring Leo Sayer - 2 points. Babylon Zoo - 1 point.

Over to you, for one last time. Voting will remain open for all ten selections, until I say "stop". Which will be some time towards the middle of next week. So if you want to play catch-up, then now's your chance.
Running totals so far - Number 1s.
1966: These Boots Are Made For Walking - Nancy Sinatra. (145)
  • Brilliant. The music, lyrics and vocal attitude all come together in a perfect harmony of woman scorned. If you want to hear how easily this can all fall apart, just listen to Jessica Simpson's version. (asta)
  • Hands down the best single out of all 50 of the tunes in this feature. (jeff w)
  • I turned the volume back up; only the second time this fortnight. Fabulous, great bass and enjoyably spiky lyrics. (z)
  • Still brilliant (and my Mum bought the 45 as well!) I've replayed the medley a third time just to hear it again. Great voice, great lyrics, great music. She sings the song like she means it.. And thanks for teaching me the phrase 'weird descending chromatics". (Chris Black)
  • Anytime you EVER hear a sequence of 'dropping' guitar chords this is what you think of. Damn good tune to boot. (Gordon)
  • Timeless. Dig the bass guitar. Forgive the linguistic contortions. (Will)
  • An absolute classic, kind of piss-taking ironic, but, actually, pretty good lyrics. Not formulaic, not copy-cat, not attempting to do vocalisms outside her ability and thus sounding great. (Gert)
  • 5 points: of course. It's a fantastic song, performed fantastically. Everybody will also no doubt love the version as performed by the Leningrad Cowboys and Red Army Choir, which is almost as magnificent in a lunatic way. (JonnyB)
  • This always reminds me of seeing it performed at Funny Girls in Blackpool in the early 90s. It is a classic. (Adrian)
  • These Boots and December '63 are two of my favourite all time tracks, I love them both, I can't decide which is the best, help, arrrgghhhhh, damn it, ok Nancy just pips it ...... (Bryany)
  • I suppose I'd better be truthin' and keep to samin' when I say that I Iove this song even with the 'interesting' grasp of the English language. It just adds to the faintly psychopathic charm. "Yeah, I'm so mad I'm making up words! Wanna take that up with Mr Knife or my boots? Huh? HUH? Well DO YA?" Bloody great. (David)
  • Most songs which I've heard as much as this one have lost their appeal but this still sounds great. Didn't realise how dry the lyrics were when I was a kid, though. (betty)
  • if this wasn't a Junior Choice fave, it should have been (diamond geezer)
1976: December 1963 (Oh What A Night) - Four Seasons. (117)
  • Breezy pop fun and wonderfully put together. If anyone actually dislikes this then there's something wrong with them. Then again people say that about some songs that I detest so what do I know? Oh yeah, I know there's something wrong with me. Whatever. (David)
  • Probably in my top twenty singles of all time. Just wonderful, joyous and danceable. (betty)
  • This is one of those tracks that still makes me smile. Just so funky. (Rullsenberg)
  • Uses the same beat as Another Brick in the Wall (minus high-hat). A wonderful pop song that always gets people dancing, harder to do than it sounds (the 'getting people up to dance' bit not the 'wonderful pop song' bit... although that's pretty hard as well it seems). (Gordon)
  • better than Autumn, not quite as springy as Summer (diamond geezer)
  • It would have ranked higher, but it bothered me then, ( and bothers me on relistening) that this was the most memorable night of his life and yet he couldn't remember her name. men. (asta)
  • On the cheesy side but hard to fault. And in my innocence I was oblivious to the obvious connotations. (Will)
  • I really think I ought not to like this. I can't say I care for the attitude of the lyrics, but it was thirty years ago. But it's very catchy, I'm boogying while typing, and it's very cheery and sunny. (Gert)
  • For no particular reason, I've never liked this. Which is a poor justification for marking it down. But I have. So there. (JonnyB)
  • "It was over far too soon"? There are people out there who can help with those kind of problems, you know. (Ben)
1986: When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going - Billy Ocean. (98)
  • Pop excellence. Billie did keep copping for problems with his songs and videos so he deserves praise. From telling girls to get in his car supposedly condoning curb-crawling to him being attacked for featuring actors in this video rather than singers he deserves some good luck. (David)
  • Doesn't offend me as much as a lot of big hits of the era. He's got a great voice, actually. (betty)
  • 3 points: if only for the 'backing singers' in the video (Turner, Douglas and DeVito). Actually that's not fair, it's still catchy, singable and should really be in the "80s soul" singles collection, no? (Gordon)
  • ahh, that bassline - I bet Heart FM love this (diamond geezer)
  • Not really my sort of thing, but if you write a bassline like that you deserve at least three points. Production aside, you CAN imagine the great motown groups doing this. (JonnyB)
  • Proving that sounding terribly eighties doesn't have to end up naff after all. (NiC)
  • Takes me back... not in an entirely good way, but when I'm in a good MOR mood this works its magic. (Rullsenberg)
  • Time has redeemed this a fair bit, as it got played to death when it was out. (Adrian)
  • I've not got past such snobberies, so as far as I'm concerned it's still naff. Nevertheless, it has enough changes of direction to keep it in third place. (Will)
  • A girl I really liked told me she was into Billy Idol and I misheard her and when Billy Ocean came on the radio I turned it up for her thinkiing she meant him. Just seeing his name in the list dragged the memory kicking and screaming into daylight and my gut tightened. (dem)
  • Go and Get Stuffed doesn't sound good twenty years later. Fairly ubiquitous then, now, it's forgettable disposable crap. Although listenable to. (Gert)
1996: Spaceman - Babylon Zoo. (59)
  • My record of the year for 1996, and I still love it now, even though it's de rigeur for people to say that they hate this. Love the change of speed and the helium vocals. Loved to laugh at him and his ridiculous ego. (Chig)
  • Despite the slagging this has received, I am not ashamed to own up to owning the 12" of this. (Simon H)
  • Rather to my surprise, I like this. Great sound. Not sure if I'd like it as much as Billy Ocean on the 10th hearing. So it gets placed just below him. (Chris Black)
  • Sorry. You're all wrong. So many comments about what a jerk the guy was (true) and how it was music for an advert (also true). But it's a superb bit of nutter pop. (JonnyB)
  • sorry, I only loved the first 30 seconds - as did Levis (diamond geezer)
  • Hmmm... those opening bars they used on the ad WERE interesting but the rest, the bulk of the song (and the dohbrain singer's arrogance) urgh. (Rullsenberg)
  • Dodgy lyrics, and the disappointment that rippled across the land the first time you heard the full version (on TOTP most likely!) this isn't all that bad. It's just not THAT good. (Gordon)
  • Ha ha, what percentage of the sales was down to people buying it because they'd only heard the intro? The rest of the song is the sort of awful dirge a grebo band who were supporting Pop Will Eat Itself at Birmingham Burberries circa 1986 would perform. (betty)
  • The sped-up section, as featured in the ad is actually rather fun, I think. If only Our Jas hadn't insisted on the bulk of the single being performed at the "right" speed. (jeff w)
  • Sorry. For some reason I hoped that there was an all-of-it-sped-up version of Spaceman, and that somehow justified buying the single. Again, what more can I say... Sorry. If only I'd bought the 7" and played it on our old 16/33/45/78rpm record deck at 78rpm... (Adrian)
  • The chorus of Babylon Zoo was good but unfortunately there was a song wrapped around it and that wasn't good. (dem)
  • This was very quickly deleted from my mp3 player when I inadvertently ripped it from a compilation CD. It's all noise. (Gert)
  • Shiny, metal, dirge-like tripe. The gulf between Jas Mann's self-proclaimed talent and his actual talent is stunning. (David)
  • "I love you, Jas, you know I do, but you haven't got the range." (Will)
  • Wasn't he going to be the future of rock'n'roll? What a load of pooh it still is. (NiC)
2006: Thunder In My Heart Again - Meck featuring Leo Sayer. (46)
  • Not so bad a remake, I think. The powerful vocal performance still shines through. (jeff w)
  • I hope nobody thinks I'm rating this relatively highly because it features Leo Sayer. I'm afraid I draw the line at liking Leo Sayer (street cred and all that...!) but I'm putting it third because despite its mediocrity it's far better than the other two, and actually sounds as if someone's put somethought into the writing of it. (Gert)
  • A bit repetitive with stupid "other end of the phone"/"next door" effects but it has potential... (Will)
  • Interesting definition of "featuring" displayed by Meck here. I take it that's "featuring" in the sense of "supplying the only good things about this track". (David)
  • I have a soft spot for many of the pop acts from the 70s when I was very young (b. 69) - Brotherhood of Man, David Essex, Peters & Lee, Dean Friedman and Leo Sayer. I think it started with an unflattering fly on the wall documentary about him where he thought he was going to get off with a very young Swiss fan and didn't but the process of losing my Leo Sayer soft spot definitely ended when I saw him performing this with Meck. Clay idols and all that. (dem)
  • I liked the orignal and (sadly) I got excited by this for a short while. (Chris)
  • C'mon it's really just Leo with a bunch of wonky computer tricks. (asta)
  • another rehashed forgotten 'classic' - next! (diamond geezer)
  • So "forgotten" was this classic that it was on Leo's own reissue of When I need you in 95... (Adrian)
  • Thunder in my Heart ? I didn't like the "Underwater Earthquake in My Kidneys" bit in the middle. (Chris Black)
  • My version of 'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing' (1996-ish) tops it. Leo's a great bloke though, should be a presenter or summat. (Andy)
  • Is there any end to the dance/sample of a 70's/80's hit vocal track production line?
    (betty)
  • I reckon that Undercover have a LOT to answer for, after all it was their 'remix' of Baker Street that started all this (or thereabouts). (Gordon)
Decade scores so far.
1 (1) The 1970s (35) -- Still beatable, but only in the event of a major upset in the voting.
2 (2=) The 1960s (31) -- Come on, Nancy! You've got work to do!
3 (2=) The 1980s (29) -- Same goes for you too, Bill.
4= (5) The 2000s (20) -- It's neck and neck at the bottom...
4= (4) The 1990s (20) -- So which decade is Flops for Pops?

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Friday, August 04, 2006

While you're waiting for the Which Decade Number Ones...

...have a podcast. Hopefully this will be the first in a short summer season - we shall see.

To subscribe to the Troubled Diva podcasts, use this handy feed: http://del.icio.us/rss/tag/system:filetype:mp3+divacast. Well, it worked last year...

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Thursday, August 03, 2006

Which Decade Is Tops For Pops? - Year 4 - the Number Twos.

Once again - and this happens every year - there is still plenty of jockeying for position going on across the board, as a steady flow of late votes continues to trickle in. As various songs quietly swap places further down the page, this has a knock-on effect on the cumulative scores for each decade. So, if you're late to the party, then be assured that late votes can still make a difference.

As I write this, the Spencer Davis Group and the Miracles are battling it out for first place among the Number 8s, with the lead regularly swapping - and the same holds true for the Cilla Black/Candi Staton bitchfest in the Number 7s. Meanwhile, Crispian St Peters is only just ahead of Tina Charles in yesterday's Number 3s. It's so exciting! But wait, there's more! It's the Number Twos!
1966: 19th Nervous Breakdown - Rolling Stones.
1976: Forever And Ever - Slik.
1986: Starting Together - Su Pollard.
1996: Anything - 3T.
2006: Nasty Girl - Notorious BIG featuring Diddy, Nelly, Jagged Edge & Avery Storm.
Listen to a short medley of all five songs.
A few days ago, some of you confidently predicted that there wouldn't be a better song this year than Abba's "Mamma Mia". Well, here's your challenge, right here, right now.

This classic number from the Rolling Stones represented a quantum leap forward from the beefed-up R&B of the band's earlier hits, ushering in a darker, more menacing, more confrontational attitude. As a result, "19th Nervous Breakdown" broke their run of five consecutive Number Ones, and kicked off a sequence of six "dark period" hits, ending with the incandescent "Jumping Jack Flash" just over two years later. It's about now that Mick Jagger became the British establishment's premier whipping boy - indeed, I remember genuinely believing that he was the most evil man in the country, thanks to the sustained outrage of my parents and grandparents. Listening to this track, you can still see why the Stones must have seemed such a threat.

But how do you compare a swaggering rock workout like this to the intricately crafted pop of "Mamma Mia"? Both convey a certain sense of accusation - but where the one shakes its fist, the other merely wags its fingers. So which is the greater record? Which moves you the most? Are you Rock or are you Pop? Which SIDE are you on?

Ah, it's the age old question - and one which I prefer to side-step, having a foot in both camps. However, of one thing I am certain: that there will be a string of 5 points for the Stones. Maybe even our first ever 100% score, who knows. Because, yeesh, have you seen the state of the competition?

Slik - featuring a fresh-faced Midge Ure on lead vocals, before he graduated into Pop's Mister Worthy And Dull (sorry, but all the Live Aids in the world won't excuse him ruining Ultravox) - were being heavily promoted as The New Bay City Rollers, with the tartan swapped for bowling shirts, and the cheesy grins swapped for "mean and moody" poses which generally included chewing on matchsticks. (Grr!) Other than that, both bands were Scottish, and both used the services of the same songwriting/production partnership.

Not that you can tell this at the beginning of "Forever And Ever", which is impressively weird for a teen group, all monk-like chanting and, erm, clanging chimes of doom. But just as you're thinking "You know, I could quite get into this", the whole track lurches into a godwaful chunka-chunka-chunka satin-scarf-waving limp-wristed (sorry) Thing Of Complete Hideousness, which has NOTHING to do with what has come before it. 5 points for the verse, but 1 point for the chorus. I'm seeing a string of second places. Unless... unless...

"Can I do yer chalet?" Rejoice, rejoice, IT'S SU POLLARD, HERE TO SAVE THE EIGHTIES!

(In fact, so eager was Su to do her duty, that she barged in ahead of Slik on the MP3 medley. An unstoppable force, that's our Su.)

I've written about "Starting Together" before, you know. But to recap: it was the theme tune from a BBC documentary series about a young couple getting married. This was particularly memorable for its video, in which Su, looking fetching in a furry white winter cap with matching pom-poms, indulged in a playful snowball fight in the woods with said young marrieds.

OK, so it's shit. But at least it's entertaining shit, unlike...

3T, who were benefitting from heavy attention due to being Michael Jackson's nephews. Tito's sons, weren't they? Three of them, right? Hence the awful name 3T, which makes them sound like a bunch of straight-to-cabaret no-hopers off The X Factor.

I can't stand "Anything". Really, really can't stand it. Worst record we've had so far. Hell, even Mariah Carey was good for a snooty giggle for a couple of seconds. This is just... ugh. And, especially given their pedigree, it's disgracefully badly sung. Adenoidal, that's the word. But, oh, just wait till we get to the witless necrophiliac slobberings of the collected might of (deep breath)...

...Notorious BIG featuring Diddy, Nelly, Jagged Edge & Avery Storm. One has been dead since 1997, and the rest are a bunch of vultures crowded round the still profitable cadaver, and dribbling mildly offensive pre-pubescent inanities all over it. Putrid stuff, which tempts me to re-activate my inner Unreconstructed 1980s Gender Politics Warrior... but maybe not, maybe not.

Nevertheless, at least "Nasty Girl" is built around a cute and catchy 1980s soul/funk retro backing, the niftiness of which lifts it up to third place in my voting. Sorry, Su. Fair's fair. Luvya loadz.

My votes: Rolling Stones - 5 points. Slik - 4 points. Notorious BIG - 3 points. Su Pollard - 2 points. 3T - 1 point.

Over to you. Come on, it's the Stones all the way, isn't it? So perhaps the real battle is for last place. It's gonna be tough!
Running totals so far - Number 2s.
1966: 19th Nervous Breakdown - Rolling Stones. (141)
  • his was the first song so far for which I turned the volume up. (z)
  • Mick & Co's rocking enthusiasm is wholly infectious (diamond geezer)
  • 5 points: and so far in front of the rest, that it's a speck on the horizon. (asta)
  • 5 points: by a f**king mile. A few days ago, some of you confidently predicted that there wouldn't be a better song this year than Abba's 'Mamma Mia' - that'd be me, then. Well, all I'll say is that I'm definitely ROCK rather than POP, but despite how good this is, 'Mamma Mia' is immeasurably better. So, no need to go out and buy a hat to eat, then. (Ben)
  • Their late '60's singles just kept getting better and better, and this isn't even one of the best ones. They just sound so menacing, don't they? (betty)
  • Pure Class. Way before they chose to waste the talents of Ronnie Wood (a guitarist far more talented then Keef... who nicked his most famous riff off Ry Cooder anyway) and when they were a really hungry sounding blues rock band. (David)
  • Say what you want, this band has a serious catalogue of quality r'n'b influenced tunes. (Gordon)
  • Strangely, I've only started to appreciate early Stone's stuff fairly recently. I was a very sheltered child. This rock classic is a veritable ruby amid the torrent of pig slurry which follows. (Hedgie)
  • Against my inherent Stones allergy one has to admit that, given the competition this' un's a star. (Andy)
  • Obviously brilliant, but I have no personal connection to it, or childhood memories of it. (Chig)
  • I have never been a Rolling Stones fan. I obviously just don't 'get' them. Although this is probably one of the very songs of theirs that doesn't drive me to switch off. Still don't like it very much...! (Gert)
  • I've never met a Rolling Stones song I liked. I'm not a fan of their sound at all. This is better than most of the other Stones tracks I've heard but I wouldn't choose to listen to it. (Will)
1976: Forever And Ever - Slik. (99)
  • L'Ecosse, cinq points! Yes, 5 points to Slik! This song was very, very special to the 9 year-old me in 1976. It was one of the tunes that I taped off the radio (by holding the mic of my 1975 Kasuga cassette recorder next to the radio) and played endlessly. My friend Stephanie and I then dissected the lyric to Forever And Ever by sitting in my walk-in wardrobe (sounds posh, but it's where the plug socket was), playing short sections of it over and over and over again and writing it down. We then learnt it and sang it rather a lot. Those chimes still give me goosebumps. An 'arms aloft' pop classic. (Chig)
  • Love the intro and I don't mind the fact that it's a standard satin-scarf-waving teenybop song. Far superior to the Bay City Rollers. One other positive thing I can say about Midge Ure is that he was in the Rich Kids, whose Ghosts Of Princes In Towers is a great single. (betty)
  • That first verse really is the best thing ever. The chorus is slightly cringeworthy true, but I'm a sucker for the cadence on "and ever" (jeff w)
  • One of these songs I feel I ought not to like, but I really do. Probably not in my top hundred, but worthy, nevertheless. I like the atmosphere, the soundworld, if you like. (Gert)
  • Are they the clanging chimes of Band Aid at the beginning of Slik? Decades of piety start here. (dem)
  • ooo he liked those chimes didn't he? Same ones for Feed the World? About three years earlier and it might have just made my collection. But verse and chorus... did they really come from the same song or did he feck up on the splicing? (NiC)
  • Both songs would be good on their but the whole seems less than the sum of its parts. (Will)
  • starts like the Sweet's Blockbuster, but ends all Osmonds-y (diamond geezer)
  • Sweet meets Bay City Rollers, and nothing good comes of it. (Stereoboard)
  • yeah I see that saccharine Osmond thing going on too and I don't like it. The verse is just weird. (Lucie)
  • Tremendous opening, worthy of a Dr Who soundtrack, and then disaster. (Chris Black)
  • I kind of like the beginning, even though he sustains a note on a really long "nnnnnnnn", which I have been told is considered bad form. The rest is horrid. (Simon C)
  • Fantastic start, but - well - then I remembered to lower the sound again. Appalling chorus - and their punishment is that I'm putting it lower than Su. Hah! (z)
  • Clue is in the name. Can't spell, can't write songs either. (Gordon)
1986: Starting Together - Su Pollard. (80)
  • Blimey, she sounds sincere doesn't she. And she took singing lessons too. The enunciation made me think of Cilla as well. (z)
  • ahh, I've been waiting for Su's appearance in WDITFP for months now, and she doesn't disappoint. Surely the finest Eurovision classic the UK never had. I'm not sure I could listen to it again, though (diamond geezer)
  • Incidentally, there are a fair few Clanging Chimes Of Doom on "Starting Together", as well. She's from Stapleford, you know. Yo, homegirl! (mike)
  • 4 points: - how? Mostly for some affinity I felt as an 80s bad spectacle-wearer. And for not making any more records (that I remember - thanks but I don't want to know if there are any I've missed). (Lucie)
  • Call me a philistine but if I was stranded on a desert island with Su, Midge and Mick, I'd play this one. If you hadn't told me it was her, I wouldn't have guessed. The backing track later turns up in Steps' version of Tragedy... (Will)
  • Su Pollard, bless her. She loved the gays so much, she married one! (Knowing this makes the song sound a little more poignant, but it's still just kitschy.) Hell, this single was even on the Rainbow label! And I also thought that if you imagine it's Cilla singing, it sounds better. Note to Lucie: Su had already had a minor hit, with the intriguingly titled 'Come To Me (I Am Woman)', but she didn't trouble the charts again. Her album 'Su' made number 86. This may explain the lack of further singles. (Chig)
  • I'm impressed by Chig's knowledge of her body of work. I have to admit that I know someone who looks uncannily like Su Pollard, which you wouldn't think was possible. She really IS sincere. She means it, maaan. Interesting attempt at an American accent, too. (betty)
  • What is the world coming to when I find myself giving Su Pollard 4 points?!?! (Bryany)
  • The D-J at my sister's wedding decided that this would be the opening tune. My brother-in-law was not impressed. Nor were most of the guests. It's twee, with a twee tune, twee lyrics. and the chambermaid from Hi-de-Hi barely holding a tune sounding like the third best singer in the school concert ie not bad, for a school concert. (Gert)
  • Decent voice, decent tune, decent production, poor lyrics. (Chris Black)
  • It could have been pretty much like a half-decent normal tune, had it not been so awful. (Simon C)
  • I was expecting the worst. But really. Excruciatingly bad, from Su's over-enunciated consonants to those patented DX7 "chimes". Ugh. (jeff w)
  • Kill me. kill me now. It's about as entertaining as stabbing yourself in the knees with a rusty fork. (Gordon)
  • I don't think this could even be used to sell furniture polish. (asta)
2006: Nasty Girl - Notorious BIG featuring Diddy, Nelly, Jagged Edge & Avery Storm. (68)
  • This is pretty poor but I suppose it's fairly easy to have on in the background. They mention listening to Prince; they're nowhere near as funky/interesting/dirty as was in his prime. (David)
  • I'm sorry, the cute and catchy backing did it for me. Try not to listen to the 'lyrics'. (Hedgie)
  • The most boring kind of rap music, saved from further humiliation by a half-decent beat. (Simon C)
  • As corpse-F*cking goes, this could have been - and has been in Biggie & 2Pac's cases - a lot lot worse. (jeff w)
  • I suspect it's probably better I don't try and decode the lyrics. (Gert)
  • I suppose the chorus is catchy. Sexist drivel though. (betty)
  • Would pay to hear the thoughts of Germaine Greer and Andrea Dworkin on this. Misogynistic rubbish embodying nearly everything that depresses me about mainstream rap. (Ben)
  • most offensive lyrics, catchiest beat/tune of the also-rans (asta)
  • might have been higher but they offended both my Gender Politics Warrior and my Grammar Police. "I hope she swallow" indeed. (Lucie)
  • I'd have preferred this if it was 'featuring a tune' (diamond geezer)
  • Misogynistic rubbish. (Will)
  • Oh dear, have the charts got this Nasty? (NiC)
1996: Anything - 3T (47)
  • If only they could have taken lessons in sounding sincere from Will Young... as opposed to being aural aspertame. (David)
  • This is what I call a "girl ... you KNOW it's true" song. Mush. (betty)
  • I can't get past the irritating nasality of the 'singer'. (Gert)
  • He should get those sinuses fixed. (Stereoboard)
  • no redeeming features whatsoever (asta)
  • how did any of this get to number 2? (Chris)
  • a time-wasting slab of slushy directionless vacuum (diamond geezer)
  • There is one thing I hate more in life than green pepper soup. Nu-soul ballads. (Gordon)
  • Mike, we should sue you for putting us through some of these songs. It might have been wise to have included a disclaimer somewhere... (Ben)
Decade scores so far.
1 (1) The 1970s (31) -- With just days left, can 1976 still be toppled?
2= (3) The 1960s (26) -- A strong performance from Crispian St Peters draws the 1960s level again. Could the Rolling Stones give them a further boost?
2= (2) The 1980s (26) -- Su Pollard could spell tragedy for this plucky if over-produced decade.
4 (4) The 1990s (19) -- A four point gap widens to a seven point gap.
5 (5) The 2000s (18) -- It's 3T vs BIG in the Battle Of The Losers.

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Which Decade Is Tops For Pops? - Year 4 - the Number Threes.

Right then. You can either have thoughtful and well-researched analysis of the next five songs, but wait an extra day for the post to appear - or else you can have an ultra-quick off-the-top-of-my-head scribble on each one, and have the post appear today.

The latter it's to be then. Will the Number Threes please present themselves.
1966: You Were On My Mind - Crispian St Peters.
1976: I Love To Love - Tina Charles.
1986: Eloise - The Damned.
1996: I Got 5 On It - Luniz.
2006: Boys Will Be Boys - The Ordinary Boys.
Listen to a short medley of all five songs.
Of these five, the fluffy pop-disco of Tina Charles inevitably has the strongest nostalgic emotional pull. Not only did I enjoy it at the time, but a slightly naff late 1980s remix (with added stuttering vocal samples and extra WOO!-ing) was one of the staples of my dancefloor, back in my DJ-ing days. (Guilty Pleasures? We were doing Guilty Pleasures back while you were still feeling guilty about them.)

However, I did ask you to be objective. So, not wanting to be hypocritical, today's five points will be going to Crispian St Peters. Like the Cilla Black song, this is another "builder" - which continues building after the MP3 medley cuts off - but unlike Cilla, there's still a degree of restraint here. Great tune, great execution, and it shows the likes of the Mindbenders up good and proper.

I keep forgetting about original punk rockers The Damned's run of hits from 1985 to 1987, when they were at their most consistently commercially successful. Perhaps that's because I had long since fallen out of love with them, and couldn't connect the watered down poppier approach of the new line-up with the demented full-on glories of the old. "Eloise" - by far and away their biggest hit - is a cover of a 1968 hit by Barry Ryan, which is regrettably unknown to me. The mot juste is "episodic" - and there's nowt wrong with "episodic". However, I still can't get beyond that mid01980s production job, which has afflicted all of the 1986 hits we have listened to so far, to a greater or lesser extent. The Damned and weedy synths? Does not compute.

I think the Luniz might just be rapping about DRUGZ, hyurk hyurk. Yes, I rather think that they are. Hip-hop's best known spliff-heads Cypress Hill are referenced in the lyric, which immediately sets up unfortunate comparisons: Cypress Hill did this sort of thing so much better, before they went all stadium rock and lost the plot. Still, at least this isn't as bad as Afroman's frightful ode to the weed, "Because I Got High", and I quite like the drawled, fuggy menace of it all .

So, what's your position on ska-revival-revivalism, as catapulted back into the charts on the back of the lead singer's credibility-jettisoning appearance on Celebrity Big Brother? I saw the Ordinary Boys perform this live a couple of years ago, with Preston's lead vocals replaced by a surprise guest appearance from the DJ/comedian Phil Jupitus, and I remember thinking: blimey, best lead vocals we've had all night. It's OK, but it's slight. Trouble is: they're reviving "Baggy Trousers" period Madness, and I never did care much for "Baggy Trousers".

My votes: Crispian St Peters - 5 points. Tina Charles - 4 points. Ordinary Boys - 3 points. Luniz - 2 points. The Damned - 1 point.

Over to you. Will Tina Charles keep the 1970s soaring ever further into the lead, or will Crispian St Peters lead a rear-guard action for the 1960s? Could The Ordinary Boys give the 2000s a much-needed shot in the arm? Are you finally ready to embrace hip-hop? And will you judge The Damned's cover as harshly as you judged The Overlanders?
Running totals so far - Number 3s.
1966: You Were On My Mind - Crispian St Peters. (106)
  • Didn't know this one before. Nice understated singing; nice tambourine; and then AN ORGAN comes in. Goosebumps all over. (Koen)
  • Reminds me of the Everlys and I think it benefits from being something I haven't heard before. (Adrian)
  • Top tune. Obviously ripping off the Everly's but what the hell. (Andy)
  • Everly Brothers harmonies with a touch of Roy Orbison, but it's all about the build-up. (Will)
  • superbly crafted and sung (Hedgie)
  • I like this version better than Ian and Sylvia's. That's blasphemy in Canada. (asta)
  • Melodramatic without falling into silliness. (betty)
  • That chugging guitar line: do we think that The Cars and Mink DeVille were listening? (mike)
  • I'm unshaken by this laid-back tambourine basher (diamond geezer)
  • Same old same old predictable 66 formulaic. (Gert)
1976: I Love To Love - Tina Charles. (104)
  • Refreshingly sparse production in this disco classic. (Adrian)
  • I didn't want to put this top, but I can't keep still to it. (diamond geezer)
  • Didn't like this paean to sexual abstinence when it came out, but again, it's better than I remembered. (Chris Black)
  • Classic! Nuff said! Although she was featured heavily on a Radio4 show this week about those TOTP LPs. She was one of the regular session singers apparently. (Andy)
  • I remember being very irritated by the extensive airplay this received at the time; it's beaten me into submission now. A classic. (Hedgie)
  • "A fiery ball of energy" they would've probably called her at the time. British disco was always a bit second best, really. (betty)
  • Oh god, I can just see the clothes they all wore to dance to this. Quite liked it on first listen, but by third I was digging my nails into my hands. (z)
  • Yuck. Yucky yucking yuckity yuck. Oh, and with extra "bleargh" thrown in for good measure. This is utterly repulsive. (David)
  • Go away you squealing midget. (Stereoboard)
  • Does she also love to dance, though? See that could lead somewhere. (Cliff)
1986: Eloise - The Damned. (96)
  • The only one I knew before listening. This song is far from typical Damned, the words are neither here nor there, but it has to win by a mile because of the amazing soundworld it inhabits and the energy it projects. (Gert)
  • Didn't think I'd ever heard a song by The Damned but, like so many of the songs in WDITFP, this stirs memories. And is pretty good. (Will)
  • I prefer the original, but this is pretty good. I prefer this over-the-topness over the Jim Steinman kind, any day. (Koen)
  • They could shut down Broadway with this. (asta)
  • Ha, ha. 'tis funny to see the Damned came to this. I still remember them from when they couldn't play two songs without fighting. (NiC)
  • rip-roaring, but I'd have preferred something original (diamond geezer)
  • 5 points: purely because it introduced me to their far superior back catalogue. (Gordon)
  • Eloise isn't as good as their cover of Alone Again Or from around the same time, or their Naz Nomad thingy (which must have had something to do with all those 60s covers), but it's still better than the other offerings. (dem)
  • My Mum bought the original! I think Barry Ryan's version was better though. (Chris Black)
  • 3 points: grudgingly. I hated the Damned at this time. 'Machine Gun Etiquette', 'Black Album' and 'Strawberries' being top albums... this was the sans Captain period. If you get a chance to catch the Damned on tour these days I'd heartily reccommend it! But be prepared to pogo and sweat muchly! (Andy)
  • It sounds like they're performing this with too straight a face. Should be even more over the top. The weedy 80s production doesn't help, true. (jeff w)
  • Very perfunctory performance, as if the record company had forced them to record it so they could get a hit. Not a patch on the very wonderful, all-bar-the-kitchen-sink original.
    (betty)
  • I was surprised just how bad this is. (Ben)
2006: Boys Will Be Boys - The Ordinary Boys. (80)
  • The only one of the five that I own, so no surprise that I'm putting it top. I'd take this over Madness any day. Top tune. (Will)
  • could have been a hit in any of these decades (diamond geezer)
  • Loved the song first time around (ie. last year!) Love Preston. Not too sure about his taste in women. (Chig)
  • Now I do like a bit of Ska so this makes me smile. I liked this before Preston went all tabloid; it's a shame that it took that for them to get any sales. (David)
  • Highly derriverative maybe and almost certainly their high point but still a worthy one hit wonder I fink.... he's such a loverly boy isn't he? (NiC)
  • Reasonable attempt to capture the spirit of Ska, and annoyingly catchy. (Gordon)
  • First 5 seconds is great, then it's sub-Madness all the way. But they could do better in future ... (Chris Black)
  • Didn't like Madness then, and I'm not going to start now. (Stereoboard)
  • I've been rooting for 2006, but it's not going to happen with acts like this. I'm so glad they haven't crossed the pond. (asta)
  • 2 points: In no way influenced by my intense dislike of Preston. I don't really want a white-indie-boys-playing-ska revival, thanks all the same. (betty)
1996: I Got 5 On It - Luniz. (64)
  • Yeah, yeah, it's a weed song. But forget that and treasure the delicate yet spooky John Carpenteresque backing track and the finely judged balance of sung chorus and rhymed verses. One of the very best rap/R&B singles of the 90s. (jeff w)
  • One of the best poppy/hip hop songs of that era. Is it really that old? (betty)
  • That BASSLINE! Don't know where they stole it from, but it's great. The track never really goes anywhere of course, but that's kind of the point. (Koen)
  • Everything else I've heard by Luniz is terrible but I really like the ghostly groove on this and it only narrowly didn't get the 5 points. (David)
  • The vocals aren't much, but the backing does a lot to redeem this in my eyes. (Adrian)
  • I've got Two on it - although admittedly a very high Two (diamond geezer)
  • One of the very few singles I actually own myself. Not that I like it, but I guess I did at the time. (Simon C)
  • Catchy chorus, the rest is swill. (asta)
  • This is what my partner often says apropos three legged donkeys. It's noise. I suppose it must have been quite bleedinedge for it's time because that sort of stuff's still pounding out of Housing Association flats round these parts...Unlistenable. (Gert)
  • Oh, 1996, why do you forsake me so? (Will)
Decade scores so far.
1 (1) The 1970s (27) -- but the seven point gap has shrunk to four.
2 (2=) The 1980s (23) -- Miss Ross nudges the 1980s ahead.
3 (2=) The 1960s (22) -- down to third, but still in the running.
4 (4) The 1990s (18) -- the 1990s have only once (with the Bluetones) placed higher than third.
5 (5) The 2000s (15) -- Chris Brown proved disasterous. Can the Ordinary Boys save them?

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Which Decade Is Tops For Pops? - Year 4 - the Number Fours.

As usually happens by this stage in the proceedings, a clear gap has opened up in the voting, placing the three oldest decades well ahead of the two youngest. In order to stay in the game, both the 1990s and the 2000s urgently need to start fielding some of their biggest hitters.

Let's see what they've come up with, then. Wheel 'em out - it's the Number Fours.
1966: Spanish Flea - Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass.
1976: Rodrigo's Guitar Concerto De Aranjuez - Manuel & His Music Of The Mountains.
1986: Chain Reaction - Diana Ross.
1996: Lifted - The Lighthouse Family.
2006: Run It - Chris Brown featuring Juelz Santana.
Listen to a short medley of all five songs.
Hmm. Well. Now look here, 1990s and 2000s: is this the best you can offer? Tepid MOR coffee-table soul and bog standard production-line R&B? You disappoint me, you really do.

But first, it's another of the 1966 singles which I remember hearing at the time. In fact, today's offering from Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass is so deeply embedded into my musical consciousness, that I find myself quite unable to imagine what it would be like to hear it for the first time. For such a light-hearted and arguably slight piece, it evokes extraordinarily powerful memories of my childhood - but all of them are happy ones. My father had Alpert's Going Places album on 8-track cartridge, and used to play it in the car on the 12-mile school run, back and forth on the A1(M) to Doncaster. As with the soundtrack to The Sound Of Music, and a compilation of Andy Williams' greatest hits, I know every note backwards.

My chief memory of this unlikely hit from Manuel & His Music Of The Mountains (a pseudonym for the Geoff Love Orchestra) concerns a particularly rubbish dance routine by Pan's People on the late lamented Top Of The Pops. This was one of those weeks where you suspected they only had half a day to rehearse the thing - and by gum, did it ever show up in the ropey dancing, which consisted of an awful lot of rolling around in the floor, in long skirts with multi-coloured plastic balls attached to them. It was great fun to see these balls accidentally detach themselves, and roll around all over the stage - and so much fun, that it quite distracted you from the ghastly turgidity of the track itself. It's the echo on the string section which freaks me out the most: like muzak for those who are waiting to die. Why, I can almost smell the lavender air-freshener, unsuccessfully masking the acrid smell of...

Well, yes. Moving on! Back in 1986, K and I lurved the video for Diana Ross's "Chain Reaction", which seemed to be constantly on the telly. The Dynasty-esque fab frocks alone! That bit where the Four Tops/Miracles/Pips backing singers open their mouths, and the voices of the chuffing Bee Gees come out! We even used to go into a little Northern Queen comedy routine: "Shiz a fookin STAR, and noa-bodeh, NOA-BODEH, can take that away from her!" Happy days in the matt black dreamhome...

When the Guilty Pleasures crew eventually turn their attention to the 1990s, I wonder whether they'll attempt to rehabilitate The Lighthouse Family? Because, if truth be told, I have a slight sentimental soft spot for "Lifted" - re-issued from 1995, and now giving them their first major hit. (And as for the Francois K remix of 1998's "High", which soundtracked the night when... oh, but you don't want to hear about that.) Yes, it's all very M People - but that's not always a bad thing. Um, is it?

Linked via a bit of synchronised beat-mixing, just to keep the party pumping, Chris Brown uses the same tempo, but to very different effect. I started off hating "Run It": for a quote-unquote "club jam", it seemed to posit such a harsh, stark, bloodless, sweatless, joyless party. Since then, the track has grown on me: as a study in rhythmic interplay and sonic mood, it is not without merit.

"But it's just noise, not music! Anyone could do that! And they all sound the same!"

Oh, just listen to yourselves. We said we'd never, didn't we?

My votes: Herb Alpert - 5 points. Diana Ross - 4 points. Chris Brown - 3 points. Lighthouse Family - 2 points. Manuel & His Music Of The Mountains - 1 point.

Over to you. Chris Brown excepted, this isn't exactly our most cutting-edge, sound-of-the-street selection. So which old fogey floats your boat?
Running totals so far - Number 4s.
1986: Chain Reaction - Diana Ross. (125)
  • 5 points. One of those "inseparable from my childhood" songs. Critical faculties be damned. (Ben)
  • Brilliant. brilliant. brilliant. Damn those boys wrote some good pop songs. Not a bad wee warbler they got to sing it either... (Gordon)
  • Possibly my favourite Diana Ross song (except where she does the Mad Scene from Jingle Bells but that's a whole different story...) (Gert)
  • It's been a while since I last heard Chain Reaction, and it benefits from that. The memory of the over-the-top spinning round amid dry-ice video is fading too and so distracts me less from what is a better song than I previously thought. (Adrian)
  • One of the few songs I can imagine myself doing drag to. Those dresses! (Chris)
  • My 5 points definitely go to La Ross. This was a favourite for me and my Mum to dance to at parties... my Mum even had a full length black sequinned fishtail dress!! (tgi paul)
  • 5 points: Fewer points than she has on her driving licence, and not a patch on the Steps version, obviously (cough, splutter), but 1986 was my second year on the gay scene, and there was a whole bunch of young queens who did a very funny synchronised routine to this (especially on gay Thursdays at Birmingham Powerhouse). It still makes me laugh to think what they did to 'you taste a little then you swallow slower'. Oh, happy days! (Chig)
  • Marvellous. Go Bee Gees! "You get a medal when you're lost in action" remains one of the worst pop song lyrics ever but that just makes it the more entertaining. (Will)
  • I was all set to be bitingly sarcastic about this, but she caught me in a moment where a bit of sparkle and glitter seem to be just the thing to change my mood. (asta)
  • I hate myself for it but it deserves the number one spot. (Stereoboard)
  • Catchy. If I heard it on the radio I'd say "oh, good". (Chris Black)
  • it's only the drum machine lets this soaring warbler down (diamond geezer)
  • I feel a bit disrespectful putting Lady Di second. But it was the drums, the drums - which nearly put her third. (z)
  • Classic Bee Gees "we made the words up as we went along" lyrics and instantly memorable tune. Alright, I suppose. (betty)
  • Good, in a Eurovision kind of way. Which isn't bad, but it doesn't really stand out in any way. (Simon C)
  • I've always disliked Diana's voice and combining her reediness with Bee Gee backing does nothing to improve it. (David)
  • I can't hear this Ross song without thinking of the 1994 World Cup opening ceremony - did she sing it before messing up the penalty I wonder? Part of me thinks her awful penalty kick should endear her to my english-footyness but it doesn't. (dem)
  • I think I went from liking it to loving it to hating it over a few weeks time back then. Same thing happened now, over the course of a 1-minute clip. Things just move at a different pace these days don't they? (Koen)
  • I remember detesting this as it clung on to the number one spot for far, far longer than it should have done - horrible woman. (Simon H)
1966: Spanish Flea - Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass. (114)
  • Such a jolly, upbeat tune it's hard not to like it. An easy first place. (Adrian)
  • Chipper to an almost offensive degree, but somehow irresistable with it. (Ben)
  • trots along like an adorable nodding donkey (diamond geezer)
  • Just so cheering. I loved hearing it again, made me smile. (z)
  • Reminds me of the thrill of of going away on holiday. Even if it was only to North Wales, sigh ... The Very Best Of Herb Alpert is a seminal album. (betty)
  • I think Herb Alpert is somehow hardwired into the brains of anyone who was conscious in 1970s Britain. If I could I would give all 15 points to Herb. Anything to do with fleas (apart from them being real, here and biting me which they currently aren't) reminds me of William Blake which also makes this good. (dem)
  • Wasn't this used as a soundtrack to something like the "Confessions Of A..." films? Or does it just sound like it should have been? Fun. (tgi paul)
  • You have GOT to hear this pisstake of Spanish Flea - scroll down to the entry for Jan 25th and then click on the mp3 symbol. (jeff w)
  • My Dad was a big fan. I heard this all the time. And then I heard it again when it became the theme to a TV game show I CBATG. (asta)
  • I'm not sure what to say. It's such a familiar tune, probably from bad light entertainment programmes in the 70s. Or the EL Patio restaurant in Stretford circa 1972. I suppose in the 60s it was a groundbreaking precursor of World Music. but it just sounds so artificial now. And yet, not unpleasant (Gert)
  • This does at least make me smile with it's cheesiness but I can't take it seriously at all. (David)
  • Sorry, too hackneyed, though I can see how it could provide you with happy memories. (Chris Black)
1996: Lifted - The Lighthouse Family. (73)
  • far better than any MOR melody deserves to be (diamond geezer)
  • I quite liked it at the time: it got a lot of airplay on GLR at the time before it became Radio Londumb Live. But it's not a laster. (Gert)
  • Its main redeeming feature being that as BMW driving sales executive oriented soul goes, at least it's not Simply Red. (Alan)
  • I think you could have something on the Guilty Pleasures inclusion of the Lighthouse Family. (Adrian)
  • Whilst a little formulaic, it's very much the "You're Beautiful" of it's day. (Gordon)
  • The marzipan sweet in today's box of chocolates. What a f**king awful song this is - but entirely in keeping with their general output. Unfortunately I've been more recently re-acquainted with this song than I'd have liked - my old live-in landlord in Nottingham had a particular penchant for the Lighthouse Family, and the odious strains of 'Lifted' regularly wafted up from his room. (Ben)
  • The Lighthouse Family make me yearn for The Christians and they are to The Christians what Shameless is to Boys from the Blackstuff. (dem)
  • If only this were an instrumental too. How I dislike the The Lighthouse Family. At least the Manson Family were more entertaining. (Will)
  • May it never be lifted around here again. Awful saccharine-pseudo-soul-shite. (I don't like it) (NiC)
  • a special place in hell is reserved for the Lighthouse Family (jeff w)
  • I'm sure they now live in Terry Wogan's granny flat. (Andy)
  • Lifted? Zonked more like. (tgi paul)
  • the ultimate call centre hold music (Simon H)
  • Dull dull dull dull dull. This is dull. Oh, and it's rather dull. (David)
1976: Rodrigo's Guitar Concerto De Aranjuez - Manuel & His Music Of The Mountains. (72)
  • This gets the top marks partly because I decided on a tie-breaker on who had the longest title and artist name and partly because I like spanish/classical guitar styles. Manuel is no Andrés Segovia (or even John Williams) but it's nice enough. (David)
  • 4 points. Ooh, get me - bucking the trend! I really like this - very 70s, but spooky and seedy at the same time. A bit like Derek Acorah. (Ben)
  • Sexy or what! Bit over-produced but what the hell, still sexyful. (Andy)
  • 4 points. Cough. When this was in the charts, the women in a local paper shop were talking about it as it played on the radio ... "ooh, this is lovely! It's by Manual And His Mountain Music!" Sorry, this has a certain charm for me, but then again I don't mind Mantovani and James Last, so am not to be trusted at all. (betty)
  • I really can't see what the objection is. It's an OK bit of music. (Will)
  • It is a dirge I know, but I remember it SO well. I used to think it was such a sad song. My Sister and I used to choreograph gym routines to this! (tgi paul)
  • Reminds me of being herded into the school gym on Sunday nights to watch tired old spaghetti westerns, usually featuring James Coburn. (asta)
  • I like soaring strings as well and spaghetti western themes OK? Would have been better without the insistent woodblocks or whatever. (Stereoboard)
  • Outshone by The DeerHunter. This is a little TOO OTT. (Gordon)
  • See comments for "Michelle" - why cover a perfectly good tune and not do so at all well nor bring anything. Is that Mantovani on orchestra? Is it in fact the El Patio restaurant in Stretford in 1972? And it is actually one of my fave tunes. But only stops being bottom because of the sheer utter drivel of 2006. (Gert)
  • As if the guitar didn't have enough problems with its image being considered a plinky-plonky not-quite-serious instrument, for some reason this boring lobotomy of a shite-composition has somehow acheived status as a canonical guitar piece. One can only hope that the unholy Finnish-Spanish alliance between Nokia and Fransisco Tarrega will help restore the balance and make people appreciate the guitar for the wonderful instrument it is. Errr... (Simon C)
  • Manuel and the music that sounds nothing like they play in any mountains I've ever been to. (Alan)
  • complete hillocks (diamond geezer)
2006: Run It - Chris Brown featuring Juelz Santana. (66)
  • I guess the song isn't that special, and that there are similar sounding ones that are better. But it's good to know there are artists out there who actually try to explore some new territory, which this has to be in terms of decades, so I'll allow the 00's some comforting 5 points for this. (Simon C)
  • Nothing ground-breaking, but quite listenable. (Adrian)
  • Nowt new but love the 'lil jon-esque' beats. (Gordon)
  • Such a bogstandard R & B track that there's something quite fascinating about it. (betty)
  • This would have fared better on almost any other day so far, for my money - even if it is a bit of a rip-off of Usher's 'Yeah'. (Ben)
  • The beat is a bit too similar to Usher's "Yeah" but I like Chris Brown's cheeky rhymes in general. (jeff w)
  • I've been on a bit of a counterpunch rhythm jag lately, and while this 'borrows' heavily from Usher's Yeah. I still like it. (asta)
  • It's actually a better remake of "Yeah", as far as I'm concerned. Too bad about the rest of his output. (Koen)
  • I thought it was going to kick in at some point, but it didn't. (Stereoboard)
  • a decent tune drowned in jarring irrelevance (diamond geezer)
  • I'm very conscious that I seem to be giving the one point to the black act in each selection, especially when they're called Christopher, but I am judging it on the music. Anyway, Diana Ross is black and she has my five points, so that's alright then. (Chig)
  • Well, I never realised there was still a career advantage in being a poor imitation of Michael Jackson. I'm sorry, it's crap. (Gert)
  • Can't believe its been #4 this year and I don't recognise it at all! No wonder Top of the Pops has died! (tgi paul)
  • Are we a bunch of old fogies or is current chart music so poor?? (Lucie)
  • I was looking forward to putting The Lighthouse Family bottom, "but it's just noise, not music! Anyone could do that! And they all sound the same!" (Will)
Decade scores so far.
1 (1) The 1970s (25) -- now a full seven points clear at the top.
2= (3) The 1980s (18) -- catching up with the 1960s.
2= (2) The 1960s (18) -- Herb Alpert could push them ahead; Diana Ross could keep them back.
4 (4) The 1990s (15) -- slightly narrowing the gap, but struggling badly.
5 (5) The 2000s (14) -- not even Will Young could lift them off the bottom.

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Monday, July 31, 2006

Which Decade Is Tops For Pops? - Year 4 - the Number Fives.

Yesterday evening, BBC2 screened the last ever edition of Top Of The Pops, a programme whose whole raison d'etre was to reflect the state of the current UK singles charts. Without wishing to get into the chicken-and-egg whys and wherefores of the situation (or else we'd be here all day), it is fair to say that as the British public's general interest in keeping up with Top Of The Pops has declined, so has their interest in following the UK singles chart. Coupled with the decline (both in quality and significance) of Radio One's weekly Top 40 countdown, and the scarcity of other opportunities for singles-based acts to perform on terrestrial TV, the whole notion of deriving any measure of continuing significance from the UK singles charts is looking increasingly quaint and dated.

Here on dear old Troubled Diva, where "quaint" and "dated" are far from dirty words, we plough on regardless of this Major Cultural Paradigm Shift. Here on dear old Troubled Diva, where The Charts Will Always Matter (and that's a pledge), let us turn our minds instead to happier matters. It's the Number Fives!
1966: Michelle - The Overlanders.
1976: Mamma Mia - Abba.
1986: How Will I Know - Whitney Houston.
1996: One Of Us - Joan Osborne.
2006: All Time Love - Will Young.
Listen to a short medley of all five songs.
As well as marking my fourth birthday, February 1966 also marks the first time that the hits of the day started registering in my mind, and taking up residency in my long-term memory. Only "She Loves You" by The Beatles pre-dates this; my parents had it on a 45rpm single, and my father would sometimes get me to dance to it, vigorously shaking my non-existent "mop top" from side to side as I did so.

This cover of The Beatles' "Michelle" by one-hit-wonders The Overlanders is the first single in our 1966 Top Ten which I recognise from back then - and it won't be the last, either. I can remember singing along to it on the radio, probably encouraged to do so on account of the French portions of the lyric, as we would have had a French au pair staying with us at around that time. (Hence also my early familiarity with the nursery rhymes "Frere Jacques" and "Au Clair De La Lune".)

As I didn't properly encounter the original verson for a few more years to come, The Overlanders' version is, for me, the definitive one. OK, so it's more or less a straight note-for-note copy, no doubt conceived for the purpose of a quick cash-in - but we four-year-olds were never too hung up on "rockist" notions of "authenticity".

However, now that I am forty-four, and possessed of a more sophisticated set of critical faculties (oh yes), I find myself having difficulties in evaluating this song. Do I mark it up for being a delightfully catchy and memorable little love song, or I mark it down for being an unimaginative carbon copy? What a conundrum, readers!

In the case of Abba's "Mamma Mia", a different problem raises its head: namely, that it is almost impossible to say anything usefully informative or thought-provoking about such a well-worn classic. Because we all love Abba, don't we?

Or are we sick of them yet? Niftily constructed and immaculately performed as it is, has continued exposure to this song (hell, they even made a musical out of it) dimmed our enthusiasm? Could we happily never hear it again? And even if that's the case, then doesn't "Mamma Mia" still deserve the string of maximum points which I'm expecting it to pick up?

Whitney Houston's second ever UK hit is one of those tunes which I've always enjoyed, but never quite loved. For me, it has always stood slightly in the shadow of Aretha Franklin's stylistically similar "Who's Zoomin' Who" - a hit from only a month or so earlier, which shared the same producer (Narada Michael Walden). Nevertheless, this is good, solid stuff, which thankfully hasn't yet been buggered around with by some clueless, witless dance act (although you sense its time will surely come).

Update: As Adrian's girlfriend rightly points out, "How Will I Know" has already been sampled, on LMC vs U2's 2004 Number One hit "Take Me To The Clouds Above" (yes, the very same line). I stand corrected.

More conflicted emotions in the case of Joan Osborne, whose "One Of Us" is as palpably ridiculous as it is horribly enjoyable. Listening to it again for the first time in years, I got the giggles good and proper. Why did I buy it when it came out? What were we all thinking? What was Prince thinking, when he covered it a year later on the Emancipation album? But then again, this was a time when we thought that Alanis Morissette was an Important New Voice, that Tony Blair was a dynamic and progressive new force in British politics, and that Gary Barlow would enjoy the biggest solo success after the demise of Take That. Strange days indeed.

Hey, does anyone still remember Shayne Ward? You know, the one who won that TV talent show thingy? The one we were talking about this time last week? No? Anyone?

How very different from the continuing success of that other TV talent show survivor, the ever-likeable Will Young, who must now be fast approaching the status of Untouchable National Treasure. "All Time Love", while admittedly slushy in the extreme, benefits from a essentially touching sincerity in its performance which poor young Master Ward has shown no signs of being capable of approaching. Honestly, this one makes me go right gooey inside! I must be getting soft in my old age.

My votes: Abba - 5 points. Will Young - 4 points. Whitney Houston - 3 points. Joan Osborne - 2 points. The Overlanders - 1 point.

A tough selection, this one - as I can happily live with all five of today's songs, and how often can you say that?

Over to you. What's your stance on Beatles cover versions? Has your Abba love withstood all the over-exposure? Does Whitney make you shimmy? Does Joan Osborne, like, make you really think about, like God and stuff? Or does dear old lovelorn Will make you want to knit him a nice boyfriend? Gosh, I can hardly wait to find out.
Running totals so far - Number 5s.
1976: Mamma Mia - Abba (144)
  • Absolutely chuffing marvellous, and light years beyond anything else here. At the risk of looking foolish, if there's a better song featured in the remainder of WDITFP, then I'll go out and buy a hat just so I can eat it. (Ben)
  • It had got 5 points before I'd even started listening, being probably the best song so far. There's only one ABBA song of which I'm tired through overexposure and it's not this (the track in question begins with a "D" and ends in "ancing Queen"). The most musical of the five, although McCartney's chromatic scale is a challenger, with lovely guitar bits. Hurrah for ABBA. (Will)
  • I wouldn't be surprised if this turns out to be my favourite song of the entire fifty. Not my favourite Abba song, by a long chalk, but a second rate Abba song is so much better than much of the forgettable dross. (Gert)
  • F**k me those songs are still great. Genius, and I don't use the word lightly. (Gordon)
  • Overfamiliar and yet sounds fresh and inspired and immediately had me sitting upright and shaking my head along. (Koen)
  • if you're not singing along to this you're probably not human (diamond geezer)
  • I've never been an ABBA fan but I have to admit that they did very polished and innovative material. I'm just a miserable bastard. (David)
  • Probably not even in the best twenty of their songs, but it still sounds great after God knows how many hearings. (betty)
  • A little bit, well, soul-less, but has longevity. (Chris Black)
  • Impeccably done, but not one of their best. (z)
  • I've just never understood what was so special about them, they always seemed like a very average pop band to me. (Alan)
  • Ordinarily, I would give Abba 1 point on principle, but they are lucky to be in some truly excruciating company. I have a Thing About Abba, you see, which boils down to my belief that terribly ordinary songs with clunky rhythms don't deserve to be hailed as "classic", just because they were tremendously popular at the time. At least this isn't "Dancing Queen", whose single virtue is the comedy value of people leaping up to the dancefloor at wedding receptions only to slowly and painfully realise that you can't actually dance to it. (PB Curtis)
2006: All Time Love - Will Young (99)
  • No beats, no mix, no dance video, just an open heart. Lovely. (asta)
  • 5 points - a close call but his wholeheartedness won me over. (z)
  • Four points - Will Young - who I admire for taking the risky path of moving away from the safe pop music I'm sure was being pressed very heavily on him to do his own thing instead. If he achieves longevity, he deserves it. (Alan)
  • My theory is that Will Young made a bargain with Satan, which involves the swapping of talent, guile and good fortune with Mr. George Michael. This was one of those songs that stood out from the radio every time it came on. (PB Curtis)
  • Gentle ballad, nicely produced. Not too interesting but nothing to complain about. (Will)
  • Enjoyable. Well, agreeable. Well, ... oh you English have too many adjectives for "quite nice". (Koen)
  • I'm not all that keen on Will's slower stuff but he does sound like he means this and as such I almost like it. (David)
  • Like the piano, but what a weedy tuneless voice. You could drive a coach and four through that wobble. Only gets to be third in preference to the dreadful Whitney and the waxwork Overlanders. But it is bad. Very bad. Who buys this crap? Pensioners, I assume. (Gert)
  • ask me again in 40 years, I might like it more then (diamond geezer)
  • The poor man's Rufus. (Lucie)
  • A bit precious. (Chris Black)
  • Smarmy. (Simon C)
1986: How Will I Know - Whitney Houston (73)
  • I wish I wasn't singing along to this, but I am. (diamond geezer)
  • Who's Zoomin Who is better, but this is still good. (Adrian)
  • Ah, before she snorted all of that "tired and emotional" and when she was releasing fun songs. If you find this kind of thing fun, which I don't really but there you go. (David)
  • She must listen to her good stuff like this, immobilised in her crack den, and weep for the days when she had a career, a voice and half a brain. (Chig)
  • I actually do like a lot of her early stuff but this one was just a bit too boppy and not enough substance for me. (Alan)
  • A second rate I Wanna Dance With Somebody. (betty)
  • Without Whitney Houston there would be no Mariah Carey, so that counts against her. But despite being a bit overblown this predates Whitney's warbling so it's not too bad. (Will)
  • Sounds like every other 80s diva-wannabee. Poor considering how good her voice is now. (Gordon)
  • Sounds almost like an '80's pastiche. Hilarious. (NiC)
  • What an ugly voice. Top notes sound like the noise a cow makes when defecating. Song utterly forgettable. Backing track irritating and tinny. (Gert)
  • I'll know...... that I'm in hell, if hers is the only voice I can get on the radio. Her clip here lasted an eternity. (asta)
  • Instantly, I see her doing that Kevin Bacon "flashdance" jerky pointy-toed prancing, and I am bathed in the tepid waters of the 1980s once more. Brushing that off (with a sort of towelly brush thing, I suppose, if you're antsy about metaphorical consistency), I then get annoyed by the poverty of the lyrics, which are repeated for no good reason. By the time I get to the fourth "How will I knooooooow?" my head is screaming in response "what do I caaaaaaare?" (PB Curtis)
1996: One Of Us - Joan Osborne (72)
  • I absolutely loved this song, it's inventive imagery and the lyrical games it plays - and I never saw it as having anything to do with religion, it's God as a metaphor not as a real entity. (Alan)
  • Definitely isn't helped by being played on the laptop. I don't think I have this in my collection but it's one of those songs that sits in my head. Up against just about anything else it would be my top. Tune, indeed two tunes, beat, and although her voice is nothing special she knows her limitations and doesn't pretend to give birth and shit melons at the same time. You get the feeling that she understands what she's singing, which is by no means guaranteed. (Gert)
  • Twee lyrics, but I liked the laidback, feelgood vibe. (Gordon)
  • Flawed theologically, but haunting. But I doubt if I'd like it so much after 20 plays. (Chris Black)
  • unexpectedly deep, but never quite uplifting (diamond geezer)
  • mushy thinking, but it sticks. (asta)
  • Inescapable when it was a hit. One of those songs that made you groan inwardly when you heard it on the pub jukebox for the fifth time that night. (betty)
  • I thought by the nineties religious types had moved into more gender-inclusive pronouns? (Lucie)
  • I keep professing my love for nineties music so I assume songs like this are sent to test my faith. If God was one of us, I like to think he'd give ABBA top marks and relegate this simpering nonsense to one point too. (Will)
  • In my universe, the phrase "one of us" should only be uttered if you have been brainwashed and are in the company of hundreds of others in the same predicament. All in uniform, of course. (Simon C)
  • So, there I am, face to face with God, and for some After Dark Conversation reason that I can't begin to fathom, I have just one question to ask him. I hum and haw about wasps, courgettes, the human capacity for brutality, the lack of divine intervention thereof, but eventually get into the facile spirit of things and ask "What was the point of that bleedin' Joan Osborne song?" (PB Curtis)
  • What if God had a name? Like Jehovah (or even the non-Latinate version but y'know) or Elohim perhaps? Just go away and leave theology to the grown-ups. (David)
  • 1 point: because religious nonsense is unforgivable in ANY decade. (Chig)
  • Blood boilingly, skin crawlingly, hair pullingly AWFUL. (Koen)
1966: Michelle - The Overlanders (62)
  • 4 points. I know, I know, but I actually prefer this to the Beatles' version, because I associate it with early childhood and yes, I can remember singing along to it. Probably not a very considered or serious attempt to analyse it, but ... (betty)
  • Unless you're going to mark down every artist who didn't write their own songs, the only reason to take into account that this is a cover version is that we can see the song's potential realised in a better performance. Nevertheless, it's a good song underneath and a reasonable enough version to merit second place. (Will)
  • 3 points - as I don't hesitate when punishing the 00's for gratuitous recycling I couldn't possibly put this higher, even though it is a wonderful song. (Simon C)
  • A bit pointl