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Thursday, March 24, 2005

Write Like A Diva: a competition for the Easter break.

Last August, Faustus M.D. hosted a marvellous "Blogalike" competition on The Search For Love In Manhattan (*), the rules of which I am about to rip off wholesale. (You may call it theft; I prefer the term "memetic".)

Two months ago, Joe.My.God compiled an equally marvellous series of reminiscences from his readers, entitled "Gay Gayer Gayest". Yup, I'm ripping him off too. But hopefully to amusing and diverting ends. Which is all the justification one needs, obviously.

The rules of the game are as follows. I'd like you to compose a blog posting in the style of Troubled Diva, on the subject "Gay Gayer Gayest". In other words, I'd like you to forge a personal reminiscence, in which I tell you the story of my Gayest! Ever! moment. While you are doing this, I'll be writing my own true reminiscence.

(Note that this won't be the same story as the one I lazily recycled for Joe's blog. In retrospect, it was a poor choice. That's another reason for running the competition: to tell a better story.)

Next Friday, I shall post all of your forged stories along with my own real one, but without revealing who has written what. I shall then ask people to vote for the entry which they think is the real one, i.e. mine.

The person whose story receives the highest number of votes will win a beautiful, hand-tooled set of "Bloggers' Disco" mix CDs, all properly track-banded and not compressed down to crappy old 128.

However, if my story receives the highest number of votes, then I get to give myself a prize.
(A nice shirt, probably. It's been a while.)

Please e-mail your entries to mikejla at btinternet dot com.
The closing date for entries is a week today: Thursday March 31st.

You should also bear in mind that I'll be posting your entries exactly as I receive them; I won't proof-read or spell-check. To this end, I suggest that you DON'T write your entries in Microsoft Word, as its annoying fancy punctuation marks will be a dead giveaway. (I almost never write entries in Word, you see.)

To make things a little easier for non-bloggers who don't speaka da Haitch Tee Hem Hell, I'll add one more small rule: please DO NOT use any HTML formatting in your entries. No bolds, no italics, no links, no nuffink. Just good old-fashioned text.

Have fun! And have a great Easter!

(*) Faustus would like me to point out that the idea for his "Blogalike" competition was originated at Upside-down Hippopotamus (an excellent and well-written blog, which I should read more often).

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The Troubled Diva Parallel Universe Top 40.

One of the perks of doing your own "parallel universe" chart: rather than waiting for record companies to choose singles off your favourite albums, you can simply crack on and choose them for yourself. This explains both the double A-side from M.I.A., and this week's second highest new entry from Antony & The Johnsons.

Meanwhile, Rachel Stevens has this week's highest climber, shooting all the way from Number 33 to Number 1. With Kylie Minogue as the highest of ten new entries, we bid farewell to singles from G4, Tom Vek, The Bravery, Handsome Boy Modelling School, Dizzee Rascal, The Mars Volta, Portobella, British Sea Power, The Subways and LCD Soundsystem.

Oh, shut up. I'm having fun.
1 (33) Negotiate With Love - Rachel Stevens
2 (10) No Sleep Tonight - The Faders
3 (1) Oh My Gosh - Basement Jaxx
4 (11) Brown Eyes - Kano
5 (2) Stay With You - Lemon Jelly
6 (-) Giving You Up - Kylie Minogue
7 (13) 10 Dollar/Pull Up The People - M.I.A.
8 (12) Too Cold - Roots Manuva
9 (3) (Is This The Way To) Amarillo - Tony Christie
10 (4) Random - Lady Sovereign
11 (18) The One You Love - Rufus Wainwright
12 (-) Fistful Of Love - Antony & The Johnsons
13 (8) They - Jem
14 (-) Neighborhood #2 (Laika) - The Arcade Fire
15 (16) Get Right - Jennifer Lopez (featuring Fabolous)
16 (-) Go Gone - Estelle
17 (7) Hounds Of Love - The Futureheads
18 (14) Bring It Back Again - The Earlies
19 (-) Across Yer Ocean - Mercury Rev
20 (6) Bring 'Em Out - T.I.
21 (-) Just A Moment - Nas featuring Quan
22 (9) Krafty - New Order
23 (21) Yeti - Caribou
24 (22) Used To Love U - John Legend
25 (19) Rich Girl - Gwen Stefani (featuring Eve)
26 (-) I See Girls - Studio B featuring Romeo
27 (5) My Heartbeat - Annie
28 (25) Little Sister - Queens Of The Stone Age
29 (36) Living The Dream - Million Dead
30 (-) Banquet - Bloc Party
31 (15) Don't Play Nice - Verbalicious
32 (-) It's Like That - Mariah Carey ft Fatman Scoop & Jermaine Dupri
33 (28) Whoopsie Daisy - Terri Walker
34 (37) Don't Say You Love Me - Erasure
35 (30) No One Takes Your Freedom - DJ Earworm
36 (-) Get Ready For Love - Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
37 (34) Let Me Love You - Mario
38 (29) Wake Me Up - Girls Aloud
39 (23) Goodies (Richard X remix featuring M.I.A.) - Ciara
40 (35) Just Let Go - Fischerspooner

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Bloggers' Disco - Megamix #2.

Having got all the bloggers on the dancefloor with the clarion call that is Megamix #1 (still available at the time of writing), we can now afford to widen our scope, throw a few curveballs, take a few risks. But not too many risks; we don't want any disgruntled punters marching up to the DJ booth and asking when we're going to play some "proper music".

So variety is the order of day here. Something for the kids, something for the mums and dads, something for the cool gay uncles dancing "ironically" - and why, I think even Grandma in the corner might be spotted tapping the odd toe or two!

Here are two Yousendit links, both to the same file (so don't go downloading it twice). If one doesn't work, then try the other one. If neither works, then I suggest schmoozing hard with other members of the Troubled Diva "community".

Bloggers' Disco Megamix #2 - first link.
Bloggers' Disco Megamix #2 - alternative link.

The third megamix will be along some time towards the end of next week. (In the meantime, please feel free to compliment me on my mixing skills; I got a little more fancy with this one.)

Update: As a result of some ruthless pruning of redundant old MP3s, I've managed to find some server space of my own for this mix. Here's your link.

Update 2: All links now removed. If you still need the file, then I suggest trying to work something out in the comments box with people who already have it. In this respect, Yousendit may be your friend.

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

That BBC Radio Nottingham interview, then.

A thousand thanks to my man on the inside at the Beeb, the saint-like Phill of Danger! High Postage, for sourcing and publishing a sound file of my interview on BBC Radio Nottingham.

To access the sound file, follow this link to the BBC Nottingham site, then click on Interview: Troubled Diva on the top right hand corner of the page. You'll also need to have RealPlayer installed. As this isn't permitted on the PC which I'm currently using, I'm going to have to wait until this evening before listening to the interview for myself. The tension!

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Bloggers' Disco - Megamix #1.

As you might have guessed, the recently compiled Bloggers' Disco playlist has sent me (and Adrian, and Gordon) scurrying off all over the place in search of the MP3s. Having pooled our respective resources, I think that there are only two songs left which none of us have been able to track down we have now got the complete set of all 124 songs.

I have started compiling a series of CD-length non-stop megamixes of the tracks, the first of which is available here. (right-click to download *) It's a good crowd-pleasing, floor-filling opener, which would probably work just as well at a wedding disco as it would at a bloggers' disco. If you're downloading it, then please note that:

a) It's one long 79 minute MP3. I am tempted to use the frightfully au courant expression "podcast", but I think you have to do something a little bit more technically fancy before you can legitimately make such a claim.

b) The MP3 is encoded at 128, to save space.

c) The file size is a little over 70 megabytes.

d) There's no track listing. This is deliberate, as I am firmly of the belief that an element of surprise is crucial to all good discos. However, I have provided a list of the artists in the Comments section of the ID3 tag. Promise me you won't go peeking in advance.

e) I have used Yousendit to host the file, which only allows a limited number of downloads in a limited space of time - so be quick!

If you find that the link has expired, then please let me know in the comments.

(*) Update: Huge thanks to Pete "Bandwidth" Ashton for the hosting. Remember: right-click to download.

Update 2: All links now removed. That's your lot with this one, I'm afraid.

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The Troubled Diva Keep Fit Club: progress charts.

The first chart shows the actual number of steps covered each day, by myself, K, Peter, Asta and Rhys.

The second chart plots the average number of steps per day. This will eventually become a rolling seven-day average for each participant.

(As you can see, both K and I have just dropped below the recommended average of 10,000 steps per day. A temporary blip, no doubt.)

If you want to join the club, then please leave your daily pedometer reading(s) in the comments.

Update (1): With all of yesterday's totals now collated, I discover to my horror that none of us has a running average of above the recommended 10,000. This simply will not do. Come on, team! Look lively!

Update (2): Well, at least one of us is trying. (Tough love! You'll thank me for it eventually!)

Update (3): Hmm. This is actually quite hard to maintain on a daily basis, isn't it...



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Monday, March 21, 2005

The Troubled Diva Keep Fit Club.

So, yeah: let's all keep fit by, er, counting things! And "thinking thin" while we're counting them! And viewing the results on a nice little graph! And getting all competitive about it while we're doing so! Because that will work!

If you would like to join the Troubled Diva Keep Fit Club, then please leave your daily pedometer readings in the comments box below, and I'll do the necessaries in Excel.

Here's how K and I have been doing so far.

Thursday March 17.

Mike - 9370 steps. Total boosted by an Early Doors drink which seamlessly morphed into a Late Late Doors, involving several lengthy treks from one end of the city centre to the other. (The Central to home: c. 2000 steps.)

K - no figure available. A night out at the opera with the Posh Crowd saw K removing his pedometer for aesthetic reasons. Well, would you match claret-and-grey with a maple-coloured corduroy suit? (You would? You don't happen to work for Guardian Weekend, do you?)

Friday March 18.

Mike - 7946 steps.
K - 7897 steps.

Neck and neck all the way, with the lead regularly switching throughout the day. Mike's narrow win was assisted by taking the scenic route to work, via the Park Steps (a keep fit programme in their own right), and by climbing the full 11 storeys to the office (200 steps a pop).

Saturday March 19.

Mike - 10277 steps.
K - 13415 steps.

Mike got off to a flying start by "helpfully" offering to walk down to the village shop on K's behalf. (K usually does Saturdays, and Mike usually does Sundays.) Happily, K did not spot this patent ruse until it was too late. Bingo! 1200 extra steps!

K then regained the competitive advantage by visiting Sainsburys in Ashbourne unassisted, while Mike wrote his singles reviews for Stylus, and by preparing an elaborate three-course dinner for four while Mike skived off put the finishing touches to the article.

After the dinner guests had departed and K had retired to bed, a sneaky late night "I'll show him" impromptu disco-cum-speed-walk to the Bloggers' Disco playlist yielded Mike less than 2000 extra steps, before exhaustion set in.

Sunday March 20.

Mike - 12734 steps.
K - 11201 steps.

On an otherwise sedentary day, both totals were significantly bumped up by a late afternoon walk along the High Peak Trail. In almost exactly one hour, Mike clocked up around 7500 steps. Unfortunately for K, a slight pedometer slippage en route meant that valuable steps remained uncounted.

Daily averages so far.
Mike - 10082 steps. K - 10838 steps.
I'd say that was too close to call, wouldn't you?

Reminder: to join the club, please leave your figures in the box below. I'll make a graph available later in the week.

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Shorts with tights: now they're "retro-chic".

From the Guardian Weekend magazine (once memorably described by Peter as "an Argos catalogue for the middle classes"), Saturday March 19 2005:



Bearing in mind that the "shorts with tights" look was dismissed on the same page in last week's magazine as "a truly bad idea", I can only conclude that this must be the fastest revival in fashion history. Keep up at the back!

While we're on the subject of Guardian Weekend, I am thinking of introducing a new weekly count: the number of lines of Judy Rumbold's column that I manage to get through before screaming AARGH NO I CANNOT READ ANOTHER WORD OF THIS UTTER UTTER UTTER TRIPE WHY DO THEY GIVE HER THE SPACE IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM. This week, I got a bit further than usual, making it almost to the end of the third paragraph before being scuppered by "Spring, with its emphasis on fresh starts and renewal, demands the sort of get-up-and-go that has been comprehensively sapped by a winter spent gorging on chocolate in front of reality TV."

NO YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING OF THE SORT STOP MAKING IT UP MISSUS "OOH I USED TO LIVE IN THE CITY BUT NOW I LIVE IN THE COUNTRYSIDE AND NOW I'VE TRADED IN MY MANOLO BLAHNIKS FOR MOTH-EATEN OLD CARDIGANS I KNOW I KNOW ISN'T IT FASCINATING OOH MY CRAZY MIXED UP TOPSY-TURVY LIFE OOH WE'RE SUCH A MAD BROOD HERE CHEZ RUMBOLD" LIKE HOW DOES ANYONE MANAGE TO GET AWAY WITH BEING SO SELF-DEPRECATING AND SELF-AGGRANDISING IN THE SAME BREATH I MEAN THAT'S MY TERRITORY GIMME THAT GIMME THAT GIMME GIMME GIMME THAT I COULD DO THAT JUST TRY ME AND I WOULDN'T MAKE UP LAZY CLICHED RUBBISH ABOUT CHOCOLATES AND REALITY TV EITHER AND OH GOD I CAN SEE A JOKEY REFERENCE TO LINDA SODDING BARKER LOOMING AHEAD IN THE NEXT BLOODY PARAGRAPH WHY WHY WHY DO THEY THIS I NEED AIR...

Indeed, my "Rumbold Moment" over the cottage breakfast table has become part of the very warp and weft of our weekend. Keeps me regular, she does.

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Stylus UK Singles Jukebox: Half-Volvo, Half-Minibus.

In this week's Stylus UK Singles Jukebox, you'll find my thoughts on new releases by 50 Cent, Natalie Imbruglia, Tom Vek, Mario, British Sea Power, Million Dead, Dizzee Rascal, The Faders and Roots Manuva. It's all going quite well, isn't it?

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